Sunday, 28 April 2013

Menopause! Giving Thanks!

I have been studying, and overworking, and overeating and overdrinking! I am getting older and I am feeling that. I am menopausal. I am also sad and waiting, constantly waiting. None of these are good and apart from the age and menopause part, I am in control of that sorry bunch of statements above.

I met a new person yesterday who, every time she opened her mouth, complained. Her son, her sons friends, her sons friends children, the place we were in, the food, well - you get the picture. Perfectly nice lady, she had no idea of what she was doing and of where she was. None.

I have no patience with complaining. If something is wrong, either fix it or accept it, I can't see any other path. I don't think I complain, the chap would maybe know whether I am deluding myself on that front.

So, in that vein how to fix that sorry bunch of statements above:

I have finished the "big" study, lasted a year and I passed! Kudos for that, a Graduate Diploma in Occupational Safety and Health, resulting in me being the Acting Manager of OSH for the Department I work in. Further studies are at the moment work based and nowhere near as time consuming or mentally demanding as the "big" study. Time to move on, the habits I picked up while studying must be left behind and adapted to healthier, more active pursuits and outlook. Recently there has been WAY too much TV, I had spent 2005-12 barely watching any and that was good, now look! Since I moved in with the chap, the TV is on and I watch it, I don't mean to but still I do and then he leaves for work and I continue to watch it, a bad habit perpetuated. Fixing that as we speak! :)))

(A side note here on this job of mine, which has definitely turned into a career, I love it and am totally surprised at how far I've come. I seem to have fallen into every job and opportunities have presented themselves without me looking. I have worked hard, but I've had nothing else to do, and focusing on the job at hand is my modus operandi, not something I do on purpose exactly, it's no effort, it's just how I work, so to now be the manager of OSH for this large Dept, is stunningly, amazingly unbelievable actually. In 2003, 10 years ago, I started at WAIMR, washing dishes basically, in a scientific setting, with autoclaves and alcohol but still, washing dishes, and now look. Awesome :) I give thanks for that almost daily.)

Overworking, this one is a bit more difficult, I have recently discovered that I may be a workaholic! Looking back across my life, every pursuit has been indulged in to an excessive degree. Never really cared what time it was, going to keep going until I finish. This has recently developed to an unhealthy degree. For sedentary activities anyway. So I must now prioritise physical activities. Get my energy back, 'cos its gone! I remember how much energy I had in 2005,6,7,8,9..... Increasing age is not the whole story. While studying, I have sat down and stayed sitting down while eating rubbish. Expensive rubbish, but rubbish anyway and too much of it to boot.

So, to fix both of the above, I must and will walk, cycle (Gym and swim? Oh, really not sure about these... But the other two are achievable in the short term). And maybe this is the trick, start small, baby steps, etc. Get the energy up first and as time goes on, take on more. At the moment all I want to do is sleep! Ach! Appalling!

Overeating, well, as my nearest and dearest know, I am nothing if not willing to throw myself into new "causes" of my own discovery! I am also totally committed to eating healthily and have been since 1984 in the UK, I just go off the rails splendidly! So, now as I feel so unwell, fat, unfit and OLD, with so many pains around my body, it is time for a New Cause. Vegetables, fruits, organic, anti-oxidant-heavy, water, caffeine-free drinks, whole foods, raw foods, vegetarian days, etc, etc. I am putting together everything I have learned over the past 52 (OMG, still don't know how that happened!) years and making myself my own healthy eating plan. And I've only been doing it for 4 days and am feeling SO much better and and a kg lighter already. Which is insane, but hey, well done me, now KEEP IT UP! ffs :)))

OK, overdrinking, well, combined with the self-invented and self-imposed healthy eating plan, this one is a no-brainier and, so far, surprisingly easy. So, goal is to NEVER GET DRUNK AGAIN! I wonder if that's achievable!? Probably not! But for the moment and for the next month, until the chap comes home, I am going alcohol-free, SoberMay :) A spring clean of my system and recovery for my liver and whatever else gets hit with the poison alcohol! There's nothing like a convert for fanaticism, keep it together there Carrie! :)))

Last one - sad and waiting - I have accepted that it is in my nature to want the big family around me and I have missed that thing I've never really had, but lots of people have never had this and I have the chap who loves me dearly, my son who is a peach and lots of friends who are willing to come as close as I will let them. And of course here is the main reason I feel alone - I am afraid of commitment. Totally. God alone knows how I fix that, baby steps, acceptance and calm, calm, calm. Ashanti. Move on now, the chap loves me, relax and just Be. Carry on with all my philosophy reading, meditation, kooky ideas in general, life is fine, just fine and doesn't need fixing.

Breathe Carriepie, you're doing just fine. Carry on regardless Carrie, as my Gramps would say. :)

So. Now I'm off out, lunch in Guildford, with friends. Beautiful day. Wonderful life. Thank you, a heart felt Thank You.