Sunday, 19 February 2012

Light bulb moment

It’s my birthday. 51. Unbelievable really. I don’t feel 51, but then does anyone?

You are in Nigeria. Last year I was in New Zealand and I was missing you like mad and trying so hard to not regret going away out of your reach. And not succeeding. This year I am still missing you like mad! It has been 6 years of famine and feast hasn’t it? Of self-imposed drought. Of fooling myself interposed with short periods of lucidity.

I have been blind, insane, deliriously happy, miserable, in full denial but mainly, completely confused.

I have hurt you, taken you for granted, trampled all over you, loved you until I was in pain and frightened myself half to death with the intensity of my feelings for you. And there lies the nub of all my erratic behaviour and running away. Because I have loved like this before and look what happened there. But what I feel for you and what we have is bigger and stronger and therefore much scarier!

So, today there has been a light bulb moment. This one came on in the metaphoric dawn on a dimmer switch and warmed itself up until I noticed it and paid attention and then it was an “oh, of course” moment. The realisation just dropped in like a perfectly shaped and well burnished penny into a slot ready and waiting.

I love you DMG and have loved you completely and wholeheartedly since those first emails and texts in 2005. Crazily, utterly and unbearably. Unbearably darling. I couldn’t bear it. It has taken 6 years and several books, philosophy lessons and counselling before I have finally realised this fact.

I am totally frightened by the way I love you. I know that if anything happens to you it will destroy me this time. You are so much a part of me and so totally under my skin that if you are suddenly not there, I will go mad with grief.

I think of you and you are there. We text, email, phone, skype, heytell. I feel as if you are always there. I know if I need you, you will come. I know that. And if you weren’t there, well I’m crying if I think of it. So the only way to protect myself from this sad fact was to then look at what I perceived to be your “faults” and use them to escape. Escape from myself and my own feelings. To justify what I was doing to you, the hurt I was causing you, that if any other woman was to do to you the number of times I’ve done to you, I would want to KILL!!!

OK, so here’s the thing darling, I have realised these things in this order:
1. I see you
2. You are my one, true soulmate
3. It hurts
4. I accept all of the above totally and I own them.

I am not leaving you ever again until I die. And then if I stay together and know myself on the other side (and who knows if that’s possible?) I will stay with you until you die. I am not leaving you again.

This promise and commitment is my birthday present to you.

I’m sorry it’s taken 6 years and so much pain for us both, but better late than never I suppose! Here I am darling, tardy as ever! You got here 6 years before me, well before the plane landed darling! Here I am in the arrivals lounge, waiting for you. Another step on the journey taken.

2 comments:

Goffy said...

My word. What can I say Carrie, I love you and have always loved you, never stopped. I am a simple man, I know what I feel and have felt all these times.

Yes you have hurt me in the past, but I instantly forgave you each and every time, I have never had any feelings other than unconditional love for you, that is so very true.

I will be here for you always, even when you ran away from me, I was still here for you, hoping that one day you would come back to me, asking the universe to bring you back, and it did eventually, and for that I am so very greatful, VERY greatful.

I will never let you down Carrie, I will come when you need me, listen when you need an ear and love you...... continue to love you unconditionally through thick and thin. I am yours Carrie, have been since that first "kiss" and always will be.

When I get home, I would like you to give me the ring back in the box, then in the future, not yet, it's far too soon, but in the future, I can place it on the finger that it was made to go on. Will you do that for me honey?

Caroline Susan Hatzel, I love YOU!!!

Carrie said...

Dear Heart
We have spoken now and you know that yes, i am very happy for you to be the "keeper of the ring" until an unspecified time in the future, of your choosing...
I love you my Lovely Man :)