Sunday, 19 February 2012

Light bulb moment

It’s my birthday. 51. Unbelievable really. I don’t feel 51, but then does anyone?

You are in Nigeria. Last year I was in New Zealand and I was missing you like mad and trying so hard to not regret going away out of your reach. And not succeeding. This year I am still missing you like mad! It has been 6 years of famine and feast hasn’t it? Of self-imposed drought. Of fooling myself interposed with short periods of lucidity.

I have been blind, insane, deliriously happy, miserable, in full denial but mainly, completely confused.

I have hurt you, taken you for granted, trampled all over you, loved you until I was in pain and frightened myself half to death with the intensity of my feelings for you. And there lies the nub of all my erratic behaviour and running away. Because I have loved like this before and look what happened there. But what I feel for you and what we have is bigger and stronger and therefore much scarier!

So, today there has been a light bulb moment. This one came on in the metaphoric dawn on a dimmer switch and warmed itself up until I noticed it and paid attention and then it was an “oh, of course” moment. The realisation just dropped in like a perfectly shaped and well burnished penny into a slot ready and waiting.

I love you DMG and have loved you completely and wholeheartedly since those first emails and texts in 2005. Crazily, utterly and unbearably. Unbearably darling. I couldn’t bear it. It has taken 6 years and several books, philosophy lessons and counselling before I have finally realised this fact.

I am totally frightened by the way I love you. I know that if anything happens to you it will destroy me this time. You are so much a part of me and so totally under my skin that if you are suddenly not there, I will go mad with grief.

I think of you and you are there. We text, email, phone, skype, heytell. I feel as if you are always there. I know if I need you, you will come. I know that. And if you weren’t there, well I’m crying if I think of it. So the only way to protect myself from this sad fact was to then look at what I perceived to be your “faults” and use them to escape. Escape from myself and my own feelings. To justify what I was doing to you, the hurt I was causing you, that if any other woman was to do to you the number of times I’ve done to you, I would want to KILL!!!

OK, so here’s the thing darling, I have realised these things in this order:
1. I see you
2. You are my one, true soulmate
3. It hurts
4. I accept all of the above totally and I own them.

I am not leaving you ever again until I die. And then if I stay together and know myself on the other side (and who knows if that’s possible?) I will stay with you until you die. I am not leaving you again.

This promise and commitment is my birthday present to you.

I’m sorry it’s taken 6 years and so much pain for us both, but better late than never I suppose! Here I am darling, tardy as ever! You got here 6 years before me, well before the plane landed darling! Here I am in the arrivals lounge, waiting for you. Another step on the journey taken.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Travel Diary

And so. A travel diary my Love.

You have given me all of the travel diaries I have owned. And it is you who does the travelling and I who wait.

Except for this time. This time I am not waiting. I am Being.

I needed space my Love to find out: Who am I? Which sounds so cliched but I had come from a past so full of baggage, so full I had been swallowed. Without a trace I had disappeared from myself.

I have started the last two of my journals wanting a year of being alone to find out who I was and how to be happy alone. So I wouldn't go into a relationship out of or in desperation.

And now I have no idea of the timeline, how long has it been? I know the first year I returned to you. And the second. But somewhere along the line I have learnt. I have spent time alone, not in a relationship of any kind except with myself. And I have left it all alone. I have read books, I have studied philosophy, I have walked and walked and soaked myself in the feeling of being One with the Universe.

I feel so strongly my connection and more to everything that is. I have felt part of everything in a complete and calm way. I have accepted my reality as a part of the whole. I have come to realise that everything Is, is Being, is God, is Me, is You.

There is nothing that shouldn't happen. There is no chaos. Everything happens for a reason and I am part of that. And so are you. Every moment of every day is as it should be. And I am at peace.

In every situation, whether "good" or "bad" I can accept it as it is. Although I have not been majorly tested and I realise it is a continuing journey. I also know that if anything happened to you or to Ryan, I would be sorely, sorely tested. But I can see, I can SEE.

And I can also see you, my Love, my Knight, my God.

I have felt very deeply my own space intermingled with everything that is and I have trusted that and I have asked for what is mine, for what I need, for what is the same as me. I have felt my own presence impressing on the everything that is and I have felt the indentation of my need and known that as a part of the everything, I am deserving.

I have called out into the Universe and I have trusted. And you have come my Love, you have come.

And I have seen you, I think for the first time. I have seen who you are, your essence, your beauty. Your rightness.

And you are mine, you are meant for me. And I am yours and I didn't realise it and yet, I have always known. How many times have we simultaneoulsy texted each other?

Through all the cycles there has always been you at the base of me, which is exactly what I asked for six years ago.

How strange was out first contact? Who called who into Being? I kissed, you answered. And we both nearly missed - and yet we didn't.

We have come on this journey together ever since that meeting. Whether we have been together or apart, in body or in mind, we have been together in heart and in spirit. We are entwined, we are soulmates, we are what the Grand Plan, the Universe has found for each of us in our need. That is perfect for us both.

I will not willingly leave you again my Love. I am yours to have and to hold. You are mine in sickness and health. We belong together and will stay together for all that is or will be.

So no, I am not waiting this time. I am here and so are you. You are there and so am I.