Saturday, 12 June 2010

Scaryness

I was looking through my photo's today, trying to find an amusing picture for face book. I was looking through my 2007 holiday pictures and realised that was when I hurt my back and then thought about how much my day to day life has actually changed since then. I also realised how much older I look now than I did in 2007. I also then realised how much older I look and actually am since my husband left in 2005, bloody hell! 2005. Where has the time gone and what has happened to my face?! I am not happy! I am also rather scared about the whole getting old thing. I have always been apprehensive of "getting old" and especially of being alone (and found dead, half eaten by Alsatians, thank you Bridget) but today was the first time I actually felt a thrill of fear.

And of course I am not alone in this - I believe most of the human race has gone through this - old age and death - ooh, since the beginning of time probably, so no doubt, I will get used to it and adjust and stop being scared, no doubt. Jeez. When will that be do you think? Any time soon, cos this ain't a good feeling really.

On Monday, I have a job interview. That is scary too. Everything is more scary when you are alone and having to rely on yourself to not screw up. You have to make your own decisions and follow them through without a backup or having your significant other there for help, advice and love. There's just you, getting older, looking out at you from the mirror.

So, this is a humourless post. Lovely. Not guaranteed to cheer anyone up, including me. Damn it.

Well, my son has a new job and a brilliant girlfriend. They are lovely together and it is fantastic to see. Warms a mothers heart.

I went out with a new girlfriend during the week and her partner, and they were lovely together, it was really nice to see two people connect so well and just the way they were looking at each other was wonderful. There might be hope for me, you never know. It is of course in your own head though, isn't it? Relationships and whether you are capable of them, is in your own head. I don't know what I'm capable of anymore. I really don't.

On the bright side, I have some fantastic friends. The weather is marvellous and considering it is now winter (I must remember to turn off my reticulation before tomorrow night), there was an amazing number of people in the sea today. I was on the beach, fully dressed it's true, but it was really warm and no wind at all. Gorgeous. It really is a paradise here, I am extremely lucky. So, I need to stop being ungrateful and count my blessings, as my Oma would say.

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