Friday, 19 February 2010

Happy Birthday to me :)

Well. It's midnight 19th February and IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday Carrie :))) Here's to a FANTASTIC year my dear :) xxx

Thursday, 18 February 2010


Well, the last time I wrote it was my daughters birthday and tomorrow (in one hour and 12 minutes) it will be my birthday. The last year I will be in my 40's, I think that's pretty big. It's too late to worry by the time you ARE 50; 49 is the big one in my opinion. I'm still not sure how I got here.... 49 years, I swear I'm only 25 in my head, 12 on some days!!!!

Anyway, I am here, all well, all present and correct, all body parts fully accounted for, haven't lost any of them to date. Might have lost a husband and a daughter but at least haven't been so careless as to lose any parts of myself!

I am currently surrounded by the swirling, all-encompassing sounds of Ralph Vaughan Williams and his Lark Ascending, one of my most favourite pieces of music and the rich and gorgeous smells of chocolate brownie, which I am cooking to take into work tomorrow. I have spoken with my parents, which didn't work out quite as planned, I meant to cheer them up, them living in cold and snowy England with heatlh issues, but I think they were even more depressed by the end of the conversation! I shouldn't have mentioned the weather hey? But they asked! I should have lied! Anyway, they are so concerned with the health issues I think they forgot it's my birthday tomorrow, poor things. It's pretty wretched being here when I want to just pop over there for a visit, you know? On a regular basis, just pop in and help out. And then pop back over here to the sun! 35 degrees today and wonderful of course - I didn't tell them that though!

I sold my Benji yesterday. It was quite amazing actually. I put him online on Sunday, on Monday someone came to look at him, Tuesday they said they'd have him, Wednesday he's gone and the money is in my hand! How's that for ease? Incredible. My beautiful Astra, I love that car. Whenever that happens I am consoled that I have done the right thing and "it was meant to be". Probably rubbish, Piscean silliness, but you know, there have been lots of occasions when everything has just slotted into place with hardly any effort on my part and then I think, that's what was meant to happen, right time, right place etc. Coming out to Australia was one of those, we practically fell into the country. Finding the first house we bought in Aus was another, me buying my own house was definitely another. I looked for two weekends, found this one on the Sunday, bought it on the Monday, had sold mine - from scratch and moved into this one in 5 weeks to the day. Buying Benji was also an easy transaction, there he was, all masculine, powerful new and smelling good! :) Getting both of my last jobs was also the same amazingly easy situation. Which is why I think I am in the right place and on the right path in this job. I just have to realise it and make the most of it. That is why I have now sold Benji, I have decided to stay in this job for the duration. New boss, much better working situation now, am really enjoying it and everything feels so different now, it's great.

So. I will not be alone for life and my daughter will come back to me. I believe those things, I have to.

Anyway, tomorrow night my son is taking me out - always good! We are going to a jazz club where he has booked a table :) On Saturday I have friends coming round here for drinks, peachy, peachy, peachy! :))) The first week of March I am taking off work and maybe going down south for a few days. I am going to paint! I am. I just need enough time to recover from the week and to get into the right frame of mind to paint. Usually I'm in the right head space by Sunday night and then go to work on Monday! I haven't actually had any time off work (except for a couple of long weekends, one of those admittedly spent in Brisbane) for the whole of my time in this job, which is nearly a year. It is high time I had some time off and had a bit of a jaunt.

Then, the big plan is to book that cruise for my birthday 2011, when I turn 50! You know the birthday that isn't as important as tomorrows birthday! In 50 minutes when I turn 49 :( So, this cruise is to New Zealand and is a painting cruise, can't remember if I've mentioned it... the only down side I can see is that I am going alone and will have to share one of those little rooms (berth? cabin?) with a complete stranger unless I divvy up the difference. So, I will find out what the difference is and then, Bob's your Uncle :) Orf I jolly well go! Into the sunset etc, paintbrush and sick bag in hand!!!

Saturday, 6 February 2010

Daughter mine. Prejudice.

Well, here we are a full year further on and still no word from my daughter. You have to admire her persistence. I am still none the wiser as to why. Why? Why. Am I ever going to be able to say that I had a meal with her or we went shopping today. That we phoned and had a chat. Three years now of no contact whatsoever. She has got married and bought a house, her cat (that I bought her when she was in primary school and she loved to distraction) is dead, run over. Was she upset? Is she happy? How is her life, what are her concerns and worries, what makes her laugh, what does she do in the evenings and at weekends? How does she feel, smell, look, sound? I am her mother, I do not know.

It is her birthday today, she is 23. At least she is alive and not in jail or in another country. She is working, she is at Uni, she is well, that much I know. There is nothing to worry about, unlike other unfortunate mothers who have had much less fortune with their children than I. Her birthday is always a time of sadness though and that is as it should be.

I have my son. I have a beautiful son who I am very grateful to and for. Thank you for that.

OK, so to distract myself from that I will talk about the lunch I went to today, a group of 8 women went to the Swan Valley and invited me along. Excellent meal, great fun, back to their holiday home for more drinks and chat. Good. Nice.

In amongst the chat, the talk turned to red heads. Wrangers. Ginger hair, carrot tops. What is the big deal I ask, don't know they answer but Australians have never liked wrangers. ?. The conversation carried on and they were all in agreement, all drunkish but not half as drunk as they were going to become. These were all intelligent and educated women, from England and Australia, aged between 28 and 45 (at a guess). It was a shock to the system to listen to this. How can anyone have a downer on people with a particular hair colour? What is that about? "My husband said if the baby comes out with ginger hair, you can put it back" Well. Rightio.

I was very tempted to substitute their "ginger hair" with "black skin" and see if anyone had any idea of what I was talking about. But they are not my friends, they are my friends friends and you can't really go tromping around with your big feet can you? Not nice. They were all lovely and friendly women who had made me very welcome. Possibly because I am not a red-head.

Personally I love red hair and can see nothing whatsoever wrong with ginger hair and white freckly skin, but THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT. Will we EVER get to the point where the colour of your skin, hair, size of you, accent, nationality, disability, sex, creed, age or any other THING is NOT NOTICED. What should be noticed is what you say and how you behave, what matters is who you are. All this other stuff is immaterial, unimportant. It is just the wrapping and it DOESN'T MATTER. Good grief.

And it makes me realise how close to the surface of civilisation is intolerance and prejudice. We think we are educated and kind - but if the right (wrong) buttons were pushed for long enough by the right (wrong) people - segregation, aparthied, racial hatred and the Holocaust is but a BLINK away.

I did leave at that point, the conversation had turned to other subjects but then started up again when someone else came into the room and I couldn't carry on listening to it. Obviously not drunk enough. I didn't think I was upset, but actually I was, so much so that I forgot to wish my friend a good day in her new job which starts on Monday, drat it.