Thursday, 21 January 2010

Note to Self

I have started to enjoy being home alone. I look forward to coming home and just being able to tune out really. Walking in the mornings gives me mental space, joy and calm for the day and I don't feel guilty in the evening if I am sedentary with a book and a glass of wine! My new years resolutions were to walk every day and to be on time for work! Both of these have pretty much been successful- in that I have walked every day and the being on time - well, as long as 5 mins after the hour is counted as still on time - that's a success too! :)

My new boss is brilliant so far. I love the way she works, organised and predictable. I know what to expect and it is all normal stuff as opposed to the Toon Town I've been getting used to! I hadn't realised how bad it was until it was all suddenly fixed in one swoop. However, having said that, I have just applied for another job. I saw it and was very attracted to the job description - am just waiting now to see if I get an interview. If not - that's fine, leave it in the lap of the gods and all that guff. If I do get an interview I can ask those searching questions as I'm being a LOT more fussy this time around, searching questions such as "How much Gov?" And "Is there a car?" and I will give some serious consideration to writing my own interview questions of them! To try and find out what sort of (mis)management style they might practise, especially after this shower and what I have put up with over this last 10 months, I think I need to be a lot more careful over what I get myself into! Bloody amateurs!

My life is uneventful at the moment, I have a reasonably quiet mind, which is unusual for me. It's as if all the dramas are happening to everyone else and I feel a bit like a calm space in the middle with all the whirling going on around me, not touching me. I am not being swept along or up into the dramas. My daughter is still out there somewhere on her own path and although if I do concentrate on it, it will tear me up but I manage to not think about it and can accept that now is not the time and maybe the time will arrive or maybe it won't and that is not my choice or within my control and so I can leave it alone and not pick at it. The crap at work is nowhere near as bad as it was but even so, I know that I can leave at any time if it doesn't shape up to the way I'd like it to be, in the meantime I can just let it be and let it develop over time. My own deadline for a decision is March but even that is flexible and not set in stone and right now, everything is fine, I can wait. And my mind is quiescent and calm. Still.

All this is very unusual for me. Action Girl here, have to be doing something for every minute of every day and achieve something, preferably LOTS of somethings, every day. To just sit back and observe it all going on around me and to be still in the middle is very calming and, dare I say it, healing. I feel as if I am progressing somewhere - not sure where but I'm enjoying the journey, so that's what counts I guess.

I have just finished another course of antibiotics, this time for an overpopulation of streptococcus and my insides are behaving rather well actually. Stuff goes in, stuff comes out, all in the right order and quantity, marvellous. First time for years. When my stomach reacts to anything now, I know what that something is within an hour! As opposed to the 24-48 hours previously, it was hopeless trying to find anything out, detective work would have baffled Sherlock himself. Even Robert Downey Jnr would have his work cut out!! :))) And it is amazing the difference on my state of mind that intestines not in revolt, or revolting, have on me.

So, in summary I am really enjoying the day and my time and space within the day. Walking first thing in the morning is a delight and concentrating on the people around me during the day and how they are feeling and being concerned and interested but not getting emotionally tied up in all the emotions myself, being quite dispassionate in other words, is very freeing, I have lots of mental space left over for myself. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well but, what the hell, I know what I mean.

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