I'm not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself. I think I am. I think I need to pull myself together and stop sulking. I live in Australia. The weather is freaking marvellous at the moment, I went to the beach yesterday, it was gorgeous, I am going to the beach again on Tuesday, which is a public holiday. I have a house which I love. I have two bloody cars, and a job that I do not hate. I have a son who I have a really good relationship with.
And there I have to stop.
I have now spent two weekends alone and I am not enjoying it. My friends are either married or in new relationships and are all doing stuff. Without me. I am feeling sorry for myself aren't I? I am prepared to spend time not dating and not "hunting" for a man. I am prepared to spend the time learning who I am and what I like and don't like before I go anywhere near another poor man. But I am not, categorically NOT, prepared to spend that time completely alone and friendless. And that is how it feels right now. I am sure I must be mistaken and I am sure this is my fault, I am the common denominator between me and all my friends. So, what am I doing wrong? What is going on?
OK. So. What I have done so far to fix this problem:
1. Joined something called Getalife, a social networking group.
2. Joined a yoga class
3. Joined a philosophy class
4. Joined a dancing class
5. Enquired of the TAFE if I can study an Advanced Diploma in fine art part time.
Enough? New friends must be made this way? I also have applied for a new job that would include meeting a balanced mix of male/female employees, whereas at the moment it is 5/95% m/f and that is a sucky mix!
My ideal and has always been my ideal and what I have always been jealous of is a huge family mix. I married into a large family and then promptly left the country, why did I do that? Anyway, here I am and my total family now is my lovely son, and he is fantastic but there is only one of him and I miss all those fictional uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, children. I remember once when I was in Victoria, we were invited along to another family's public holiday trip to the beach, god, there were loads of them and they talked and argued and dithered and ate and drank and bickered and chatted and laughed and watched the kids - it was fantastic and I was so jealous and I still am. I hate, I fucking HATE being by myself. I want a big family around me and all the social stuff that goes with that and all the family interactions, it brings me to tears just thinking about it.
Pathetic hey? What a mess. Living in paradise, alone. Fuck.