Monday, 25 January 2010

Thoughts

I have been giving this some thought today. It is Monday, I am fine. I have been at work and talking with other people, laughing a bit at lunch, chatting in general. And this is enough. I am happy to come home, face book a bit, msn chat a bit, phone call to a girlfriend and then cook, hang out washing, strip the bed, cook some muffins. Eat. It is fine. I am happy. Tomorrow, as I mentioned, I am off to the beach (Seaside - so English, I used to call it the seaside when I was a child, always call it the beach now. Why? Seaside is so much better) with a whole group of friends and I am looking forward to that a lot.

Monday to Friday is great, even if I have a "bad" day at work, it is still better than a day alone at the weekend. I can come home and just chill and be happy.

The weekends yawn ahead of me, an unfillable chasm. Everyone is off doing their own thing with their own familys. And I fret. And chafe. And get depressed and then feel guilty because I live in paradise and I love it, but I hate to be alone for two days. And I know I am being pathetic and I should get a grip and count my blessings and I know and I will and I do!!

All those activities I have signed up for are on Monday - Friday. And the weekend is still an abyss. How the bloop am I going to fix this? Do I just suck it up, build a bridge, get on with it and stop bloody whinging? Whinging Pohm! Do I just keep going in the hope that I get used to it. Do I actively try to fix this and fill the weekends with interaction of some description. I am not asking the question really, I am just talking out loud and to myself, but if you have any opinions on this, do feel free to air them.

On Saturday, I was chatted up on the beach. Which is amazing and has never happened to me in my whole life before. Ever. I was in my usual beach gear of rashy and very battered hat, my equivalent of a gardening hat or a fishing hat. I love my beach hat but it's not exactly eye catching for the right reasons! Anyway, there I am sitting innocently under my shade umbrella with my nose in my book, when an Irishman appears and by the end of a couple of hours, he is under my shade and drinking my water! And swimming in my space! Amazing and fun, I didn't mind. He is on holiday and I am not in the market for gratuitous sex any more. Oh no. He did cheer me up, but you know, that is not what I want and I certainly don't want a fling of any description with someone on their holiday! Two weeks and he's gone? Chuh! I should cocoa!

What I want is lots of friends. Girlfriends. I am still recovering after all from 3 years of mistaken identity. I am not, categorically not, on the market. So, I was cheered up and then I wasn't cheered up at all. It would be good if I could just give myself a good talking to and that work. But it doesn't. What works is going back to work! What a laugh. And maybe that's all I can do, laugh at the vagaries of the human mind and mine in particular. Lovely little mind that it is, aaah. Bless!

Sunday, 24 January 2010

Feeling sorry and pulling myself out of it

I'm not sure if I am feeling sorry for myself. I think I am. I think I need to pull myself together and stop sulking. I live in Australia. The weather is freaking marvellous at the moment, I went to the beach yesterday, it was gorgeous, I am going to the beach again on Tuesday, which is a public holiday. I have a house which I love. I have two bloody cars, and a job that I do not hate. I have a son who I have a really good relationship with.

And there I have to stop.

I have now spent two weekends alone and I am not enjoying it. My friends are either married or in new relationships and are all doing stuff. Without me. I am feeling sorry for myself aren't I? I am prepared to spend time not dating and not "hunting" for a man. I am prepared to spend the time learning who I am and what I like and don't like before I go anywhere near another poor man. But I am not, categorically NOT, prepared to spend that time completely alone and friendless. And that is how it feels right now. I am sure I must be mistaken and I am sure this is my fault, I am the common denominator between me and all my friends. So, what am I doing wrong? What is going on?

OK. So. What I have done so far to fix this problem:
1. Joined something called Getalife, a social networking group.
2. Joined a yoga class
3. Joined a philosophy class
4. Joined a dancing class
5. Enquired of the TAFE if I can study an Advanced Diploma in fine art part time.

Enough? New friends must be made this way? I also have applied for a new job that would include meeting a balanced mix of male/female employees, whereas at the moment it is 5/95% m/f and that is a sucky mix!

My ideal and has always been my ideal and what I have always been jealous of is a huge family mix. I married into a large family and then promptly left the country, why did I do that? Anyway, here I am and my total family now is my lovely son, and he is fantastic but there is only one of him and I miss all those fictional uncles, aunts, cousins, siblings, parents, children. I remember once when I was in Victoria, we were invited along to another family's public holiday trip to the beach, god, there were loads of them and they talked and argued and dithered and ate and drank and bickered and chatted and laughed and watched the kids - it was fantastic and I was so jealous and I still am. I hate, I fucking HATE being by myself. I want a big family around me and all the social stuff that goes with that and all the family interactions, it brings me to tears just thinking about it.

Pathetic hey? What a mess. Living in paradise, alone. Fuck.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

Note to Self

I have started to enjoy being home alone. I look forward to coming home and just being able to tune out really. Walking in the mornings gives me mental space, joy and calm for the day and I don't feel guilty in the evening if I am sedentary with a book and a glass of wine! My new years resolutions were to walk every day and to be on time for work! Both of these have pretty much been successful- in that I have walked every day and the being on time - well, as long as 5 mins after the hour is counted as still on time - that's a success too! :)

My new boss is brilliant so far. I love the way she works, organised and predictable. I know what to expect and it is all normal stuff as opposed to the Toon Town I've been getting used to! I hadn't realised how bad it was until it was all suddenly fixed in one swoop. However, having said that, I have just applied for another job. I saw it and was very attracted to the job description - am just waiting now to see if I get an interview. If not - that's fine, leave it in the lap of the gods and all that guff. If I do get an interview I can ask those searching questions as I'm being a LOT more fussy this time around, searching questions such as "How much Gov?" And "Is there a car?" and I will give some serious consideration to writing my own interview questions of them! To try and find out what sort of (mis)management style they might practise, especially after this shower and what I have put up with over this last 10 months, I think I need to be a lot more careful over what I get myself into! Bloody amateurs!

My life is uneventful at the moment, I have a reasonably quiet mind, which is unusual for me. It's as if all the dramas are happening to everyone else and I feel a bit like a calm space in the middle with all the whirling going on around me, not touching me. I am not being swept along or up into the dramas. My daughter is still out there somewhere on her own path and although if I do concentrate on it, it will tear me up but I manage to not think about it and can accept that now is not the time and maybe the time will arrive or maybe it won't and that is not my choice or within my control and so I can leave it alone and not pick at it. The crap at work is nowhere near as bad as it was but even so, I know that I can leave at any time if it doesn't shape up to the way I'd like it to be, in the meantime I can just let it be and let it develop over time. My own deadline for a decision is March but even that is flexible and not set in stone and right now, everything is fine, I can wait. And my mind is quiescent and calm. Still.

All this is very unusual for me. Action Girl here, have to be doing something for every minute of every day and achieve something, preferably LOTS of somethings, every day. To just sit back and observe it all going on around me and to be still in the middle is very calming and, dare I say it, healing. I feel as if I am progressing somewhere - not sure where but I'm enjoying the journey, so that's what counts I guess.

I have just finished another course of antibiotics, this time for an overpopulation of streptococcus and my insides are behaving rather well actually. Stuff goes in, stuff comes out, all in the right order and quantity, marvellous. First time for years. When my stomach reacts to anything now, I know what that something is within an hour! As opposed to the 24-48 hours previously, it was hopeless trying to find anything out, detective work would have baffled Sherlock himself. Even Robert Downey Jnr would have his work cut out!! :))) And it is amazing the difference on my state of mind that intestines not in revolt, or revolting, have on me.

So, in summary I am really enjoying the day and my time and space within the day. Walking first thing in the morning is a delight and concentrating on the people around me during the day and how they are feeling and being concerned and interested but not getting emotionally tied up in all the emotions myself, being quite dispassionate in other words, is very freeing, I have lots of mental space left over for myself. I don't know if I'm explaining it very well but, what the hell, I know what I mean.