Tuesday, 22 December 2009

An Apology

The Goffman and I have split up.

Through no fault of his, I told him that I wanted to separate. It was one of the most horrible days of my life, that I hope to never have to repeat. Since then, he has moved out and I am attempting to move on. I had come to realise that we were not compatible at all and the reason that I was in the relationship was because I was afraid to not be in the relationship. My 25 year marriage broke down in 2005 and I had spent my time trying to reproduce what I had in my marriage. Well, that was not going to work. I now believe that it is really important to spend time alone after a break-up, especially after a long relationship. What I did was go on RSVP and started dating within four months. Crazy. I was crazy, totally crazy. I didn't know a damn thing. Hindsight is a marvellous thing and I can now see that I was running hard and fast, trying to not think about my husband and why I had been rejected. I replaced obsessive thoughts of Him with obsessive thoughts of other men. I learnt to dive, started running, stopped painting, stopped being still really and just went into adrenaline, crazy-girl, overdrive. Anything, anything to stop the pain and the obsessive, circular, unresolved and unsolvable questions and thoughts.

I remember that is one thing that really took me by surprise, and that was the pain. A unending physical pain in my stomach as if I had a deep injury, which I did and I did not give myself the time or the understanding to heal. I just went hell-for-leather to find another man and another relationship to attempt to replace what I had lost, what I loved above all else. My husband, my soul-mate, my reason for being, my reason for living, my family, my everything I valued in this world. Writing this is bringing tears to my eyes, so I know I haven't succeeded yet in a complete healing process. I am still a work in progress.

Two nights ago I was reading the book by Nuala O'Faolain "The Life and Times of...", and the last chapters are a howl of protest for the middle-aged woman who is still alone, and I was in floods of tears over that, it fitted me so well and it hurt so much to read it and to realise that after 5 years of being apart from my husband, I have been left alone and I am alone and I am getting older. It seems so unfair that I took such great care of this man that I loved so much and we had got past the point of the consuming nature of the children and were free to be ourselves with time to ourselves and time and the money (surely?) to travel and just BE together. My future was mapped with this man that I loved, our future was together and it was safe and I LOVED him!!! And then he left.

I Googled Nuala, to find she has died of cancer, well, that just did me in!

I have resolved to not date for some time, to not look, because I really need to heal and to be and I don't need the distractions or the obsessions of men and relationships that I have put myself through. I need to love the abandonded Child within, I need to nurture myself and not chase around heedlessly. I need to learn who I am and what makes me happy. I need to try to sort out these health problems that I have. I need to talk and to spend time with my girlfriends, who are all so wise and I love them so dearly.

I didn't have girlfriends before, there was just him and me. We live in Australia, we left everyone behind, I regret that now, for lots of reasons, for my children as well as for myself and my inner Child. But I have been here too long and I love it too much and I cannot, I cannot go back to England. I really believe it would kill me. So I do know that about myself. I am Australian. And I miss my German Oma, I know that too.

Now, I did want to move this blog so that I could write what I needed to without thinking that the Goff would read this and be hurt by anything I might say, but I don't seem to be able to do that, so, I am sorry now Goffy if you do read this and are hurt. Please DON'T read this, that is all I can say, because I really need to blog and I need to be free to explore where and what I will and I am going to hope you are not there, but am sorry now, if you are. I implore you please, with all gentleness, to go away from this blog now.

No comments: