Monday, 28 December 2009

Christmas 2009

This has been a good Christmas. Better than expected and that always works.

Christmas Day was spent, nearly in its entirety, with my Lovely Son. A leisurely breakfast on the beach, which included sparkling wine but no vodka - which is just as well if you ask me! Berries, soya cream, cheeses, ham, gluten-free biscuits and muffins, sparkling vino and sweetened OJ. Unfortunately camera-free, or I could show you the gorgeous beach, but that might be just as well, considering it was early in the morning and the under-eye bags were frighteningly large!

Back home for showers and pressies. And snowballs! No snow in Aus, have to make up for it somehow! (And there, at last, is the vodka!) My Lovely Son so craved snow this year that he saved up any and all polystyrene for the last 12 months and then put the lot through the blender and scattered the result around his house, oh dear, I think he has made some attempt to clean it up already and already has overheated the vacuum cleaner! Ah, the joys of youth :)

On to the next stage of the day, and Himself going to fetch his friend and Self putting roast on - in inebriated state - those snowballs are lethal, I tell you! But, success! Food NOT masacred, always handy :) Lovely Son and Lovely Friend arrived, all is good, Friend IS Lovely! Marvellous, wonderful, especially as Self has never met Friend before and anything might have been possible! But all is OK, phew.

Food goes well, conversation goes well, company is genial :) Marvellous! Here are some photos....

Where are Lovely Son's antlers? He was wearing them! Notice the fetchingly placed angel :)

Lovely Friend has very fetching pixie hat - I want one!


Self has forgotten make-up in drunken scramble to open-pressies-and-cook-dinner while endeavouring to appear sober and sensible :) And succeeded, admirably, no-one knew Self was plastered! Am sure of that! :)

The day continued with Self going to Own Friends house and congregating with lots of other friends, all so drunk that taking out a camera was impossible! And so, no evidence of hilarity or good times, but there we are, good times were had and there the matter will have to rest, and no Blackmail Material was garnered! Sigh.

Boxing Day was spent on the beach, unfortunaltely listening to a Father berating his young sons for a number of hours and so, could have been better but weather fantasic and snorkelling was had....







All lovely and blue and green, you will notice. Although, apart from small sprat-like fish and blowies, no other fish evident. Am going to have to scuba dive again if I want to see them on my screen. Or poach someone else's photo's of course!

Sunday was spent in Subi and Mt Lawley buying books and having lunch. I now have 5 queued up to read plus another 2 on order. It is a terrible thing to have no books to read and that most terrible situation has now been remedied. The following treats were purchased by Yours Truly.... Small Island by Andrea Levy, The Time Travellers Wife by Audrey Niffenegger (what a brilliant name!), Two Caravans by Marina Lewycka (have read A Short History of Tractors in Ukrainian and therefore must read this one also :), Alice Hartleys Happiness by Philippa Gregory and The Alphabet Sisters by Monica McInerney. Then 2 on order are The Power of Now by Ekhart Tolle and Flip it by Michael Heppell :):):) La la la! What decadence! What extravigance!

Monday and the last day of the Christmas break for me, again spent on the beach, no photo's, no snorkelling but a Whole Book demolished! Marvellous! Love Monica McInerney! Great beach reading! Also, no dreadful Fathers turning their sons into criminals today, thank The Universe for that! Also, the most wonderful weather - hot and still, breaze off the land and the sea like a mill pond. Marvellous for floating around and NOT being dumped by pesky waves. Not a surf board in sight, dreadful surfing weather, wonderful floating weather!

To round off the day, hot chips and cappucino whilst sitting on a hot sea wall, simply relishing the view and the weather and Glorious, Marvellous Australia.

And so, it is back to work tomorrow and then for the New Year..... an excursion, an adventure, a photo opportunity extra-ordinaire!!!! Watch this space! :)))))

Wednesday, 23 December 2009

Realisations.....

A very strange thing has happened. I have read my whole blog from one end to the other and the things that I thought happened early this year, were actually happening early 2008. I feel as if I have lost a whole year! I told my good friend on Saturday that 2009 was my year of self-discovery, to discover from my blog, that was 2008! I also didn't buy an astrology book for this year, unheard of! Good gracious! What happened to my head this year, I feel as if I've lost it.

So then, on with the self-discovery and 2010 is going to be my year of health. I have to get these various problems sorted out! Also I have realised from reading my blog that this tiredness of mine goes back two years at least. I have blamed my job, vitamin pills, nurofen, diet and have I thought of hormones? I think I discounted them when my blood tests came back OK and not menopausal. So what is causing this? I have to find out because for the last 10 days I have been barely able to function and it has gone way past a joke. Or an amusing fad. Today has been much better and I am sure I will be better now for a few days, weeks if I am lucky, but then it will creep back up on me and peaks for a day and then ebbs once again. There have been so many false clues and red herrings! Ah well, carry on regardless, as my grandfatherr would say.

I will get to the bottom of it, everything that I do find out, is one more clue and one more thing to be discounted or included. The investigation continues.

Also my daughter is still estranged, over two years now. And Christmas is nearly here.

Also, I make myself laugh and that can't be a bad thing! A lot of the entries are so cryptic I can't remember the circumstances that prompted them! I have let my inner Child run riot through my blog, it has been a lot of fun! I think that's what has happened, I have been sensible and grown up for a whole year and I have nearly bored myself to death! Bring on the child I say, the more tantrumus, the better. Hello, you naughty girl, where have you been?, I have missed you! Welcome back :)

Tuesday, 22 December 2009

An Apology

The Goffman and I have split up.

Through no fault of his, I told him that I wanted to separate. It was one of the most horrible days of my life, that I hope to never have to repeat. Since then, he has moved out and I am attempting to move on. I had come to realise that we were not compatible at all and the reason that I was in the relationship was because I was afraid to not be in the relationship. My 25 year marriage broke down in 2005 and I had spent my time trying to reproduce what I had in my marriage. Well, that was not going to work. I now believe that it is really important to spend time alone after a break-up, especially after a long relationship. What I did was go on RSVP and started dating within four months. Crazy. I was crazy, totally crazy. I didn't know a damn thing. Hindsight is a marvellous thing and I can now see that I was running hard and fast, trying to not think about my husband and why I had been rejected. I replaced obsessive thoughts of Him with obsessive thoughts of other men. I learnt to dive, started running, stopped painting, stopped being still really and just went into adrenaline, crazy-girl, overdrive. Anything, anything to stop the pain and the obsessive, circular, unresolved and unsolvable questions and thoughts.

I remember that is one thing that really took me by surprise, and that was the pain. A unending physical pain in my stomach as if I had a deep injury, which I did and I did not give myself the time or the understanding to heal. I just went hell-for-leather to find another man and another relationship to attempt to replace what I had lost, what I loved above all else. My husband, my soul-mate, my reason for being, my reason for living, my family, my everything I valued in this world. Writing this is bringing tears to my eyes, so I know I haven't succeeded yet in a complete healing process. I am still a work in progress.

Two nights ago I was reading the book by Nuala O'Faolain "The Life and Times of...", and the last chapters are a howl of protest for the middle-aged woman who is still alone, and I was in floods of tears over that, it fitted me so well and it hurt so much to read it and to realise that after 5 years of being apart from my husband, I have been left alone and I am alone and I am getting older. It seems so unfair that I took such great care of this man that I loved so much and we had got past the point of the consuming nature of the children and were free to be ourselves with time to ourselves and time and the money (surely?) to travel and just BE together. My future was mapped with this man that I loved, our future was together and it was safe and I LOVED him!!! And then he left.

I Googled Nuala, to find she has died of cancer, well, that just did me in!

I have resolved to not date for some time, to not look, because I really need to heal and to be and I don't need the distractions or the obsessions of men and relationships that I have put myself through. I need to love the abandonded Child within, I need to nurture myself and not chase around heedlessly. I need to learn who I am and what makes me happy. I need to try to sort out these health problems that I have. I need to talk and to spend time with my girlfriends, who are all so wise and I love them so dearly.

I didn't have girlfriends before, there was just him and me. We live in Australia, we left everyone behind, I regret that now, for lots of reasons, for my children as well as for myself and my inner Child. But I have been here too long and I love it too much and I cannot, I cannot go back to England. I really believe it would kill me. So I do know that about myself. I am Australian. And I miss my German Oma, I know that too.

Now, I did want to move this blog so that I could write what I needed to without thinking that the Goff would read this and be hurt by anything I might say, but I don't seem to be able to do that, so, I am sorry now Goffy if you do read this and are hurt. Please DON'T read this, that is all I can say, because I really need to blog and I need to be free to explore where and what I will and I am going to hope you are not there, but am sorry now, if you are. I implore you please, with all gentleness, to go away from this blog now.

Saturday, 19 December 2009

A bit of psychology.....

I have been away, in my head, but here I am again, eager to explore who I am and what I am here for. And to vent. I do that sometimes :o)

I have been having a few problems at work, and am not the only one, people are leaving left, right and centre and that is destabilising and unsettling. I am a sensitive person and pick up on everything around me and have been emotionally tossed this way and that, or that is how it feels. I asked my colleague one day how he coped with all the argy bargy that goes on every day and the horrendous office politics which I am so caught up in, because he obviously does cope superbly well. He told me that he goes in to work every day and does his job and then goes home. Amazing. Deceptively simple of course. A bit of a brain-stopper for me actually. An "Oh. Is that it?" type of statement. And yes, that's it. Rightio then.... I can try that. So I have been doing and funnily enough it gives you the mental distance to see the CRAP for what it is.... and to not become involved in it, but to just view it from a distance.... which sounds as if the problem is fixed right? Well.... it's more a work in progress and I have resolved (and making a decision at all is liberating in itself, I have been so torn with "shall I/shan't I leave?" that I have been going totally MAD!!) I have resolved to give it until March 2010, which is one year here, and then to review.... there will be new management (because the old ones have all left!) and so, the balance might alter, the culture might alter, I can concentrate on the "good" people and take the "bad" people with a professional detachment and not take their uncooperativeness (remembering that uncooperation in my business probably means a legislative breach, but hey, it's their choice, all I have to do is tell them, OMG!) personally. Distance. Go to work. Do my work. Go home. Do not become emtionally entangled and actually fend off the emotional garbage from one particular person which is affecting me so profoundly. I shall become Ms Cool, Calm and Collected :o)

Well, that was a bit of a "mind dump" Que? :o)

In todays paper - and it is jolly weird how many times this happens to me - was an article that fits this situation and resolution very well. I am going to reproduce it here, it is written by Danielle Hannington, clinical psychologist, in todays The West Australian, about a book called "Act on Life, Not on Anger". The article was about Christmas and the stresses it puts on people when they spend time with their families that they may not get on with and a way to cope with that. It fits bloody perfectly with a way for me to fend off the emotional backlash from each event at work, and there may be a new event and sometimes multiple events every day, and it is EXHAUSTING me! Anyway here it is....

"Imagine that you are floating over the waves just beyond the breakers at the beach. You can see the wave coming (like the wave of anger or hurt or disappointment [or in my case frustration]). Feel yourself just drift up over the face of the wave and glide down the other side. No need to become entangled in it. No need to fight it.

Trying to stop the wave will only result in you getting dumped and disoriented. Just let it be and let it pass. You know that you cannot change the wave, just as you cannot change your family member [work colleague etc].

What you can change is how YOU are. If you are really connecting to what is important to you as a person, your values, how would you be acting? It is easy for us to blame others, or demand that they be different but what if they remain the same as they always have for the past 40 years?

Connect with your own values. Gentleness, respect, integrity, love, kindness. Yes, you may feel infuriated, sad or anxious, but by staying true to your values you remain true to yourself"

You can see how this would work well with family members, but it also would work in my situation at work.... what do you think?