I have been very surprised at the strength of my feeling at the loss of Benji. I am upset and out of sorts. I feel adulterous and disloyal. I feel fear, verging on panic at the loss of my protector, boon companion, friend and source of comfort, the one who was always there, ready to transport me away from any situation, unpleasant or sufficient for the moment. "Who is Benji" I hear you ask? Benji is my friend and I have an irrational amount of feelings for him.
When other peoples pets die, someone who has no pets cannot understand the grief and desolation that the berieved one goes through. I think my feelings for Benji mirror that. I am not saying that they equal it, a pet, after all is a living, breathing, loving animal. My Benji was not. I must have put a lot of my self into Benj for this to have happened. I am not 100% sure how it has happened, to tell you the truth. How can I have such strong feelings of separation for my car?
My first car. The only car that has ever had my name on the registration papers. My car, clear and outright for the last four years. My car who has taken me to all sorts of places and parties and dinners and revels, and who has, more importantly, got me home safely again each and every time. Benj, who cost me over $200 in parking fees because I parked him in the wrong carpark at the airport for the weekend. Benj, who has had the most expensive car wash every six months as part of his service. Benj, who was the direct cause of meeting one of my dearest friends at the car service garage - the lovely Angela.
I am desperately looking for a photo of Benj and am trawling through hundreds and hundreds of photo's of smiling faces and revels and parties, and it was the most excellent Benj who took me to all those places and was the one who got me safely home again. The Club; the soccer trip; rugby games; my son in hospital; the Robbie Williams concert; endless, excellent parties; the Rotto ferry; Margaret River, more than once; three times to Geraldton, to a reunion with a dear friend; back and forth on each and every Christmas Day; Adventure World; the airport for trips to Melbourne and Sydney and England and Singapore; friends 40th's and 50th's and 30th's!!! Mandurah; to have tattoo's; several Christmas in July do's; Yanchep; Moore River; at least two weddings; diving - oh the diving! I've had the boot full of diving gear and swimming gear and I've moved house and had the whole car bursting at the seams with clothes and CD's and the TV and so many other precious things! I've taken my son places, my daughter places, the Goff when he was blind drunk and totally incapable of walking, I've taken the Goff's children places, and of course, every single day I have driven my Benj to work and left him in the car park and told him to "Be safe, and wait for me to come back and don't go off and play without me" every single day. Every. Single. Day. Of. Our. Life. Together.
Two weeks after the breakup of my marriage, I bought Benj, by myself and with my own money and what a bargain he was! What a fantastic car! Two years old and only 7000km on the clock! Still smelled like a new car, still shiny and new, and MINE! All mine. Beautiful, lovely Benji. I cried all over the salesman, who wouldn't let me drive it until he had driven to a quiet street, I must have been a complete mess!! Poor man! His name was Joe, I remember. Well done Joe, you sold me a bloody good car!
Well. I guess that's why I am a tad upset and feeling a traitor for letting him go. He is full of memories. Four years worth or marvellous, fantastic, wonderful, excellent memories. That's why.
But now, I have had to hand the beautiful, faithful Benji on. He is no longer mine. I have a new car, that is not mine and does not have my name on the rego. It belongs to the company and is NOT such a good car as my Benj!! My Benj had SOUL! My Benj had STYLE! My Benj was a BEAUT CAR!! My Benj went like SHIT off a SHOVEL!!! My Benj left everything, EVERYTHING for DEAD at the lights! This new car is just a piece of metal on wheels. and it drives like a bloody tank!!!
And this begs the question - what am I going to be like when I move out of my house?!!!!!! My beautiful little house, that is everything I ever wanted or needed or imagined in my IDEAL HOME. The first house that I have ever chosen by myself for myself. My name is on the papers......
I am just off for a little cry now......