Monday, 14 April 2008

Upgrades versus downgrades.

I had a very revealing conversation with my son over the weekend. As a consequence of this conversation I have formulated a very important life-principle. Or theory, or somesuch. I think I might patent it. Or publish it. Or something similar. I believe we were talking about various disasters that happen to us on a regular basis and our own reactions to them.

For instance, a while ago now, I inadvertently set fire to my kitchen. Nothing too serious, certainly it was stupid, but total annihilation was easily averted. The gas was on. A rather large cockroach wandered across my knife block as I was cooking. The gas was on. Can you see where this is going yet? I dont like cockroaches much, despite the fact that they too are creatures of the Great Gaia. I especially am not keen on them when they fly. Especially when they are two inches long to begin with. And they make this sort of rattling sound when they fly AND, they are very agile little fliers to boot. And so, I feel it is imperative to get them before they become airborne really. Therefore, I tootled off to the laundry poste haste, to avail myself of the bug spray. I repeat - the gas was on. My brain was not. I sprayed the little blighter and was quite surprised at what came out of the nozzle - not the usual amount of spray stuff certainly, more a flame thrower really. Interesting, ne c'est pa?

The cockroach attempted to have it away on his 6 (or is it 8?) toes but did not succeed in the ensuing firestorm and instead, got toasted and roasted. The kitchen roll similarly burst into flames. Amazing what they put into cans of fly spray nowadays, you wouldn't think it was a very safe thing to do, especially considering all the idiots that there are out there - oh, the gas was on!!! Well, there's that puzzle solved then, shame I can't apply the same logic to world peace really. Anyway, my reaction to this little drama was to shout out, multiple times and possibly in multiple languages, "OH FUCK"!!!!! It was a serious enough event for it to reboot my "OH FUCK" programme and update it. See? Learning programme. I will never again spray across the top of a lit gas flame however great the provocation. My "OH FUCK" programme will see to that.

On the other hand, my son had a little event also. Repeatedly. He carried out his little event multiple times. Also a gas story. You know when you put a large pan on the hob and then try to light the gas with the automatic lighting thingy? The automatic lighting thingy that never works first go? Or second go? And sometimes even on the THIRD go, the gas stays stubbornly gaseous and smelly and not at all hot or blue? If the pan is big enough, and you are having trouble with your "Oh Shit" and "OH FUCK" program settings, you dont know the gas is still gaseous, so you give it one more little click because you quite like the little clickety sound it makes and are consequently quite surprised when the whole cook-top goes "WOOF"!!!! The gas is certainly alight now, and so is your own hand, and the kitchen towel and any circumnavigating cockroaches who were missed on a previous occasion by the flame thrower from hell.

If the gas board only knew what the members of the public got up to with their gas, they wouldn't be quite so free with supplying it to all and sundry! You'd have to take an exam in it at least and even then, they might say - "NO! Be off with you, wretched useless people! You may NOT use this lovely gas, you are an IDIOT!" etc. My son's reaction to his lighting the gas in this fashion, each time, was "Oh shit" as opposed to my "OH FUCK", can you see the difference here? You can see this is not at all appropriate to the preservation of life and limb in the future, can't you? He really needs his program upgrading. His "Oh Shit" really needs to be upgraded to "OH FUCK", this would be why he has continued to carry out his little event until his hands are completly devoid of hairs, them all being singed off. And some still attached in that small, curly way that singed hairs have when they do not want to part company with their owner.

We continued chewing the fat, the way you do when you both have had a snifter or two, and further developed this idea. My "OH FUCK" is used rather too frequently, due to the previous life experiences of giving birth to aliens in the guise of human babies. My settings are much too sensitive, enough to rattle the nerves of any passing pedestrians. I really need a downgrade. My sons settings on his "Oh Shit" program, on the other hand, really need tweaking upwards. This due of course to the fact that he is a fireproof teenager (just as well really, due to the previously discussed tendencies of his mother and himself!) and of course, the pivotal thing here, is devoid of babies at the present time. So we reckon we'll be just fine, if we can just figure out HOW to alter the damn settings!

1 comment:

Flibbertigibbet said...

Oh god, this madde me laugh so hard.
I totally, totally empathise.
I think my OH FUCK is a little screwy, sometimes it fails to work at all, sometimes it's a little too keen.
I remember hearing a very loud bang in my kitchen and upon investigation found nothing and walked away. I mean really, if there's a big bang, plainly something bad happened, but my brain ignored this.
Then there was the smell of charring.
I re-entered the kitchen and my kettle was on fire. Yes, an item filled with water was spewing flames.
Sometimes I astound even myself.

But what I really wanted to say was that it's so nice not to feel quite so alone in my chaos. It's great that someone out there is equally capable. Thanks! ;)