Saturday, 9 February 2008

Night Frights

A long time ago - in the dawn of the world, oh, about 27 years ago - when the man that I loved left my sight, I feared most vividly his loss, death or imminent demise by some painful method! This, as you can imagine got a tad wearisome after a while and so I decided to stop. And so I did. I realised that I was only fearful from a selfish point of view. I didnt want to lose him. I was afraid of losing him, for myself, it was me that was fearfull of suffering the loss. I realised that it was my problem and a serious character flaw that would destroy me and very possibly the whole relationship if I left it to go on of its own accord. I learnt that lesson so well that I dont even worry over the "traditional" worrying things - such as children going to school or driving around in their first car. Pretty cool. Pleased with that then. Well done, pat on back.

And so when at midnight I was still awake and just dropping off I had a nearly (what I imagine to be) a psychic premonition, sparks and electricity behind my eyelids, zinging throughout my head, my first thought was Uh-oh. What is amiss? A certain person, a near-lover, making a long journey, that much I know. Certain person had been quite prolific in their contact over the week, marvellous, adored all contacts. Certain person now strangely quiet. Certain person should be home - maybe not, I choose to not believe omen-type nature of zinging, cant do anything about it anyway as certain person on the other side of the wretched globe, applied learnt skills and went to sleep. Next morning, awake at sparrow-fart of course and certain person still very strangely quiet all damn day. Drat. Heart now in stomach for the day. Heart thinks its new home is in the stomach region. No amount of persuasion seems to convince heart of its proper place. Drat. Damn. Dont want to phone certain person and thereby let him know of my vulnerability, fear, idiocy or premonition-like feelings! Certain person probably just sleeping in after very long journey. Certain person also not answering texts. Oh dear. However, after a whole day is spent with no relief from stupid, stomach-dwelling heart, had to phone, one last time, the mobile of certain person.

I leave you Dear Reader to imagine the voice of certain person when answering the phone. Bewilderment comes to mind. Confusion also. But my idiocy is complete in that I dont actually care - heart has popped back into its rightful position and all is well with the world again. Certain person is alive and well still. Not dead on some wintry road or incapacitated in a national health bed! Marvellous. Certain person still around to create havoc or happiness in all around him as the desire takes him. Excellent. Lesson learned. Do not believe in electrical zinging to be pyschic phenomena! Electrical zinging is just synapses in own stupid head dying off probably! And the thing that I am the most happy about? It wasnt MY loss that was consuming me, it was his. I was not afraid for my own loss of him - I was afraid for him being somewhere in pain etc and unhappy etc. My greatest happiness right now is that he is alive and well, and confused by the sound of him! Bless! My conscience is clear and a little bit wiser.

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