Sunday, 24 February 2008

Trust the Universe (dammit!)

I'm beginning to think I may be quite a stupid individual. It's funny how some things just take forever to sink in. Or maybe its that some things are so close to you that it takes a surprising amount of time for the importance of that thing to become apparent?

I have been feeling like crap for the past week or so, I have been sick so that's some excuse I suppose, but the main reason is, just being alone. It sucks, you know? I am wondering how long I can do this, bloody being by myself malarky, it sucks! I'm not enjoying it! Further, I'm actively hating it! So, here am I, feeling all sorry for myself (I'm good at that, it's one of my talents) and here we have the weekend phone calls from overseas and here am I putting all sorts of brave faces on, complete with brave voices, for the benefit of the various rellies and friends who all want to know that I am OK. "Are you okay?" "Good. And are you Happy?" "Gooooooooooood" and that's what they need to know, that I am OK and fine and well, and still alive and not pining away - but Hello! I'm pining away! What is particularly hard is when they ask if I have a boyfriend right now and then say "Good" when I say no! Why do they all think that what I need is to be alone? I know I get myself into trouble on a regular basis but really!

So, I tell myself to not be so stupid and that everything is fine, fine. I have a good job, a son, good and excellent friends, a house - it could all be terrible but it isnt! Life is good, its very, very good. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you pathetic woman. Plus, overnight on Monday, I got a whole year older! Crap! And I'm still alone! So, that's my week.

Then, I talk to two particular friends today to realise that (of course) they are both in exactly the same place I am in! Exactly, and I mean Identical. And then when I think about it properly and not in my "oh woe is me" mode, several of my friends are here too. We're in this together but alone! (har de har!) We are all animals after all and what we do best is coupling. Twosomes. We like to confide and to be confided in, we like to snuggle up, we like to help our mate. And when the mate is absent or there is no mate, it hurts. It hurts. Shit, it hurts. But it hurts for all of us, I am not alone in this sink. Am I?

In one of the many books I am reading at the moment, (ah, yes, I have looked, am reading so many books at once, I cant find it!) it says, that life is all about love. My interpretation of that is very simple, it's what we are here for. Just to love and to learn how to love and how to accept love, just how - How to Love. And to spend our lives doing just that. Love our children, parents, partners, work colleagues, complete strangers, the human race, the planet! But of course, the big one is love for your partner. And there is no partner.

I have to stop thinking of myself in avian terms - I am not an albatross! Really, I'm not! We do love again, I do not need to pine away for lack of love! (It's a mess inside my head, I swear!) I just have to be patient and to trust to the Universe that everything will work out for the best for lil' ol' me! Gosh, that's so hard some days! For us all though, for us all. And in the meantime, it's Sunday night and, thank god, I am allowed back in to work tomorrow!


Flibbertigibbet said...

I don't think it's stupidity. There are some things that just come to you in a lightbulb moment and you find yourself wondering "how did I not already know/realise that". Things that suddenly make a million other behaviours fall into place and make sense.

I totally understand the feeling of being alone too. I have been a solitary creature for a lot of my life and am quite used to it, but there are times when it's just not enough.
My friends know me to be queen of the I'm fine facade. But it doesn't always do you any favours.
Besides, sometimes all the friends in the world don't make up for you being alone...

However... A belated Happy Birthday! :)

Carrie said...

Thank you for the good wishes and thank you also for the comment, there are lots of us here waiting for our prince, I know that and the whole prince thing is an erroneous fabrication by the writers of fairy tales - but is it? Oh, who knows? When I am totally "well" I can manage to not think about it too deeply, it's being off balance in some way that makes me obsess in an uncomfortable manner! Trust, trust, trust to the Universe! My new mantra!