We become immersed in our own problems don't we? To the exclusion of all else? So that the problem becomes all-consuming if it is not talked about? Am I the only one who has noticed this phenomenon? I cant be, surely. We are all the same. A problem shared is a problem halved, after all. This is related to me feeling like an albatross. Despite some severe self-talk, I am still there - a lone albatross, this is not good for a Pisces! I am used to feeling "fishy" and here I am now, above the clouds in solitary splendour with my heart aching and wondering what I did wrong! It's been three years (in three weeks) since my world came unglued - why is it only now that I am feeling the exquistely painful loss of someone to talk to on an everyday basis? Someone that you dont have to explain everything to, they understand you so well and can give advice and comfort, in equal degree.
I suppose it is highlighted by the fact of having the legs taken out from under me on this latest work debacle. Self-doubt is gnawing at me. I have taken all the past happenings and have put new interpretations on them, am I wrong to connect up all the dots like this? Is it erroneous thinking? Or are all the clues there and I have missed them before, there is no smoke without fire, am I, after all, a terrible communicator who has been creating all my own and everyone elses problems? Or is my new boss not just not fully in the picture and needing to be seen to be doing something constructive with his new team? I dont know, I dont know! And my head is in such a mess and my heart is hurting so badly that I can not be an effective judge of my own abilities anymore.
My husband, when he was my husband and still my "soulmate", would have been able to help. Right now, I dont know where to go for the relief that I need from my whirling head and thoughts. And when there are problems and issues that are going on and need talk, talk, talk, the fact of the gap becomes unbearable. The gap becomes a yawning chasm and I, am at the bottom of it! Yet another silent wail into the ether!