Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Gap, hole, yawning chasm.

We become immersed in our own problems don't we? To the exclusion of all else? So that the problem becomes all-consuming if it is not talked about? Am I the only one who has noticed this phenomenon? I cant be, surely. We are all the same. A problem shared is a problem halved, after all. This is related to me feeling like an albatross. Despite some severe self-talk, I am still there - a lone albatross, this is not good for a Pisces! I am used to feeling "fishy" and here I am now, above the clouds in solitary splendour with my heart aching and wondering what I did wrong! It's been three years (in three weeks) since my world came unglued - why is it only now that I am feeling the exquistely painful loss of someone to talk to on an everyday basis? Someone that you dont have to explain everything to, they understand you so well and can give advice and comfort, in equal degree.

I suppose it is highlighted by the fact of having the legs taken out from under me on this latest work debacle. Self-doubt is gnawing at me. I have taken all the past happenings and have put new interpretations on them, am I wrong to connect up all the dots like this? Is it erroneous thinking? Or are all the clues there and I have missed them before, there is no smoke without fire, am I, after all, a terrible communicator who has been creating all my own and everyone elses problems? Or is my new boss not just not fully in the picture and needing to be seen to be doing something constructive with his new team? I dont know, I dont know! And my head is in such a mess and my heart is hurting so badly that I can not be an effective judge of my own abilities anymore.

My husband, when he was my husband and still my "soulmate", would have been able to help. Right now, I dont know where to go for the relief that I need from my whirling head and thoughts. And when there are problems and issues that are going on and need talk, talk, talk, the fact of the gap becomes unbearable. The gap becomes a yawning chasm and I, am at the bottom of it! Yet another silent wail into the ether!

2 comments:

Flibbertigibbet said...

There's little bigger than the problems in our mind and our personal world. They do consume us, keep us wide awake at night and sleepy in the day.
Without having someone to bounce those thoughts off, all they do is circle endlessly without resolution.

Thing is, not only misery likes company. Problems do too. They never arrive singly, but by the boatload, just to ensure that tackling them becomes increasingly complex. But, tackle them we do, for despite frequent suspicions that we are not able to deal with everything, we are strong. And women. Strong women. Quite the formiddable opponents.

Carrie said...

Yes! Girlpower! Marvellous and that feeling of solidarity and unity with each other is a wonderful feeling. And somehow makes me feel closer to the nice men out there too. You are right about the problems, they do seem to come by the bus queue, but that is surely a state of mind? Get your mind straightened out and the problems melt away, back to their proper places? Become less important, have less of an impact on you even though they are still there in actuality.

I have been told I am strong and I have been told I am brave, I like that, it fits in with the ideal picture I have of myself and it helps me to aspire to those qualities. I have now found out the full extent of being an extrovert, and an intuitive personality, one side of this means I think with my mouth open, sad but true. And so apparent in the class. There were the introverts reading quietly, trying to figure out this particular thing, and there was me and this other extrovert talking our way through it, that's how we understand it and cope with it and encompass it - verbally, out loud and in concert! Marvellous, I no longer feel like a freak! I am normal, well, only as weird as the next person after all!