Thursday, 28 February 2008

Answer from the ether!

My word! That was quick! The Universe has answered me already, I only sent out the wail yesterday!

I have been sent on a communication course, "how to get on with your workmates" - maybe I mentioned it. Today, so much of this course was concerned with anger management and I dont DO anger, I literally dont get angry, so I was feeling more and more hurt and confused as to why I was actually on the damn course! But, it has been very interesting and I have learnt some techniques of how to deal with my anger if it ever arises and I feel the need to become Mrs Angry. I'm ready prepared to cure it, so to speak! Anyway, yesterdays wail into the ether has been answered! In its entirety! Oh my word. The jury is still out on a couple of things and there are, of course, some unaddressed issues and some unfinished business, but I have a promise from someone I trust, that there will be more info tomorrow that will help the situation I am in. Not only have I got some answers here but I will be getting strategies to combat the issues I am facing. The weirdness is about to unweird to a degree. Hopefully. Which is good, because I can't actually take much more - and if that's the mental attitude I have, then that's final, isnt it? It's all downhill from here. I am just so tired right now, my job is making me uber-tired. And I've had my bloods checked, there's nothing wrong with me, I am fit and well, (and NOT menopausal yay!) the tiredness comes from my mind.

The reason being, I am an extrovert, intuitive, feeling, perceptive type. An ENFP in fact. The Myers-Griggs (I think) personality type. And I am surrounded at work by introvert, sensing, thinking, judging types - ISTJ's! There you go, explains it all, in a nutshell. Clear as mud? Boiled down, means that I have an unpleasant message to give to people (safety and health - never good!) and I am giving it to them in a way they find offensive and exhausting. I am that high energy, highly committed, intense and exhausting bloody pain in the arse that no-one wants to see or hear from. I am enthusing all over people in a most annoying manner, they are complaining to the powers that be, who are then not backing me up but attempting to shut me up for the quiet life, for the sake of harmony within Academia. Quietly, softly, silently, lets not make waves, lets take our time and go slowly, slowly, s l o w l y. Do I hear full stop?

As for connecting the dots from my past with the new (and I believe now, erroneouse information) of "bad communicator" well, that's just plain wrong. My ex-husband was just a bastard who betrayed me. May he be infested with the fleas from a thousand camels! I do not NEED to forgive him. He did not "fall out of love" with me, he was just a bastard for doing the dirty on me and for nearly ruining my son in the process. From the age of 8, that child had been continuously belittled and mocked until he got to the point of nearly total withdrawal and stonewalling. I didn't realise the strength of the nastiness until my ex turned it onto me, it's devastating, totally and utterly devastating and my son lived with it for 10 years, from the man who was his hero. My son is still in recovery, lets face it, he is doing superbly well, but he is not cured yet, will he ever be? My daughters head was so screwed up, she ran off and married someone the age of her father. So screwed up she has now cut off every one of her family support system until all she has is her husband (45) and her father (46). Healthy? I dont think so. I am making it sound as if it was all my ex's fault, aren't I? It cant have been, so much of the pain I feel when looking at my children, is that this is my fault. I was there. I did not protect them from this barrage of bad feeling and accusation. I was there protecting my ex-husband! How did I manage to do that? How did I get the story so wrong? So arse about face!? I was there, with my rose tinted spectacles on, thinking everything was for my ex, he was right and he needed my support, what he needed in actuality was a fucking big kick up the arse! What my children needed was for me to notice. To stick up for them instead of trying to smooth things over, to keep everyone happy and arguement-free. I do have regrets, the further away I get from that time of my life, the bigger and more encompassing become those regrets. Which is probably a sign of my own recovery at least. My son is with me now and every day, I let him know how much he means to me and how well I think he is doing. I just hope it is not too little, too late. As for my daughter, well, I have to wait, just wait.

Back to the work issue, I know the messages I can send by email can be misconstrued in tone, and they certainly deliver a message that no-one wants to hear - safety and health, of course no-one wants to hear that! But I also know that no-one gets the wrong message or is offended or gets upset with a face to face meeting with me - they cant - I dont DO offense. My strength is my frontal approach, I have a smile, I use it, I have humour - I certainly use that, its my emails that can be a problem. So, you see before you a reformed email user. But a future habitual user of taxi's, I am going to go back and forth between the sites by taxi, and work will pay, and meetings face to face will occur and emails to follow up will happen, and the message will get across. It's my job, its what I do, and they will have to listen to what I have to say and they will not be running off to the Director and whining any more.

Does that sound like a plan? And of course, I now know that being an extrovert, means that this is how I think and process information, by talking it through with someone. Or with lots of someones! The introverts like to think quietly, and come to their own conclusions, I broadcast it out there, and that's why I am so exhausting, but, I'm sorry, this is my job and they are going to have to listen! :o)

As for the albatross thing, well, I suppose that will have to wait. I will fly around up here for a while longer and see if I bump into any fish!!!!!


Flibbertigibbet said...

I have a question, do you find that writing things down, which I know therapists worldwide have always recommended, does facilitate working through all of the thoughts demanding attention?

I've found it does for me. Sometimes as I write a solution appears before my eyes, and if not a solution, the reason for a feeling.

I found this intriguing. Maybe it's my Gemini nature but I flit quite happily between introvert and extrovert. Between the one with the big mouth and the quiet mouse in the corner. It's my inherent indecisiveness.

Anyway, I think your plan does indeed sound like a good plan and I must say I enjoy coming here and reading what you've written. Enjoy seems like the wrong word when life is stressful, but you know what I mean!

Carrie said...

Hmmm, answer to question, I use writing and usually in a diary - writing a blog is quite recent - to unload my mind more than to solve. I solve by thinking, by reading new ideas and applying them to my situation and by talking (preferrably to someone else!) and then I process that and reinforce it by writing, but mainly and certainly when traumatised, I write to unload. And then I can sleep, I never have a problem sleeping. During the worst time, I only got 5 hours sleep a night, I'd wake up early each morning, but the sleep I had was very nearly instantaneous with my head hitting the pillow, after maybe an hour or more of writing. I have read back through those diaries, they are bloody funny! I make myself laugh. And I realise how far I have come and how much I have acheived and I can be proud of myself, it's a good feeling. I do not dislike myself. After downloading and sleeping, tomorrow is a new day and a new start and by the end of the day when my head is again in a whirl of thoughts, I write again. And maybe in the morning too - but that was when everything was really bad. I comfort myself, decide on future actions, chew the fat, and unload.

I am so glad that you enjoy reading these musings! I enjoy writing them and as I write, I hope that my experiences can help other people, even if its just for the laugh!

I've been doing a little research on the Gemini mind and you are not indecisive just lightening fast in your changes of mind. Clever, inquisitive, gregarious, cheerful - which shows in your face. In your never-ending quest for stimulation, you habitually veer off in unexpected directions. Does that sound accurate? Do you study astrology? Its fascinating stuff. "Astrology for Dummies" is my latest purchase and a jolly good read!