Friday, 29 February 2008

Lawn Bowls!


Good gracious, I've found yet another sport that I'm jolly crap at! But you know, I think this is really a drinking game, not a proper sport. You know, like strip poker or darts. Not that I've ever heard of strip bowls and really, with all those mosquitos flying around at dusk, it may not be the wisest thing to indulge in. And strip darts just doesn't bear thinking about. But I stray from the point; I think. Anyway, we were all pretty crap together, all work mates none of us having played before, cheap beer provided, bandicoots laid on for our entertainment! I thought bandicoots were the sole property of Playstation, but no! They live and breathe in Leeming, on the lawn bowls green. Aaaah, how cute. Even after several beers. Yep, still cute.

What was quite funny were the proprietors - they gave us instruction (in ever more disbelieving tones) and cooked a sausage sizzle. While cooking they were overheard by one highly amused player to say "They are taking a long time aren't they?" "Yes, and what are they doing now?" "I dont know, er, well..... my god, they've stopped to EAT!" Yes, there we all were, eating! And the bowls waited on the lawn for us to get back to them. Aaah, and there's the bandicoots again.

Thirteen ends. Took us about three hours, apparently this is a long time, in fact no-one managed a whole 13 ends and my team only got to six, it would have been seven if the Chinese captain of our opposing team hadn't had the brilliant, innovative idea of clearing away all the bowls that came near to the kitty (little white ball, to the uninitiated!). He only did this on the 7th end, not sure why it took him that long to come up with this marvellous scheme - maybe he'd had enough by then and wanted to hurry us along? I know I had suggested we played turbo-charged bowls to get us going again after the gastronomic delights of the sausages - but am fairly sure I didnt mean picking up all the bowls before they even stopped rolling. We didn't like to mention it as his English wasn't all that good. Didn't want to upset him really, we just got another beer in instead and Oh! Is that sausage going spare?

Thursday, 28 February 2008

Answer from the ether!

My word! That was quick! The Universe has answered me already, I only sent out the wail yesterday!

I have been sent on a communication course, "how to get on with your workmates" - maybe I mentioned it. Today, so much of this course was concerned with anger management and I dont DO anger, I literally dont get angry, so I was feeling more and more hurt and confused as to why I was actually on the damn course! But, it has been very interesting and I have learnt some techniques of how to deal with my anger if it ever arises and I feel the need to become Mrs Angry. I'm ready prepared to cure it, so to speak! Anyway, yesterdays wail into the ether has been answered! In its entirety! Oh my word. The jury is still out on a couple of things and there are, of course, some unaddressed issues and some unfinished business, but I have a promise from someone I trust, that there will be more info tomorrow that will help the situation I am in. Not only have I got some answers here but I will be getting strategies to combat the issues I am facing. The weirdness is about to unweird to a degree. Hopefully. Which is good, because I can't actually take much more - and if that's the mental attitude I have, then that's final, isnt it? It's all downhill from here. I am just so tired right now, my job is making me uber-tired. And I've had my bloods checked, there's nothing wrong with me, I am fit and well, (and NOT menopausal yay!) the tiredness comes from my mind.

The reason being, I am an extrovert, intuitive, feeling, perceptive type. An ENFP in fact. The Myers-Griggs (I think) personality type. And I am surrounded at work by introvert, sensing, thinking, judging types - ISTJ's! There you go, explains it all, in a nutshell. Clear as mud? Boiled down, means that I have an unpleasant message to give to people (safety and health - never good!) and I am giving it to them in a way they find offensive and exhausting. I am that high energy, highly committed, intense and exhausting bloody pain in the arse that no-one wants to see or hear from. I am enthusing all over people in a most annoying manner, they are complaining to the powers that be, who are then not backing me up but attempting to shut me up for the quiet life, for the sake of harmony within Academia. Quietly, softly, silently, lets not make waves, lets take our time and go slowly, slowly, s l o w l y. Do I hear full stop?

As for connecting the dots from my past with the new (and I believe now, erroneouse information) of "bad communicator" well, that's just plain wrong. My ex-husband was just a bastard who betrayed me. May he be infested with the fleas from a thousand camels! I do not NEED to forgive him. He did not "fall out of love" with me, he was just a bastard for doing the dirty on me and for nearly ruining my son in the process. From the age of 8, that child had been continuously belittled and mocked until he got to the point of nearly total withdrawal and stonewalling. I didn't realise the strength of the nastiness until my ex turned it onto me, it's devastating, totally and utterly devastating and my son lived with it for 10 years, from the man who was his hero. My son is still in recovery, lets face it, he is doing superbly well, but he is not cured yet, will he ever be? My daughters head was so screwed up, she ran off and married someone the age of her father. So screwed up she has now cut off every one of her family support system until all she has is her husband (45) and her father (46). Healthy? I dont think so. I am making it sound as if it was all my ex's fault, aren't I? It cant have been, so much of the pain I feel when looking at my children, is that this is my fault. I was there. I did not protect them from this barrage of bad feeling and accusation. I was there protecting my ex-husband! How did I manage to do that? How did I get the story so wrong? So arse about face!? I was there, with my rose tinted spectacles on, thinking everything was for my ex, he was right and he needed my support, what he needed in actuality was a fucking big kick up the arse! What my children needed was for me to notice. To stick up for them instead of trying to smooth things over, to keep everyone happy and arguement-free. I do have regrets, the further away I get from that time of my life, the bigger and more encompassing become those regrets. Which is probably a sign of my own recovery at least. My son is with me now and every day, I let him know how much he means to me and how well I think he is doing. I just hope it is not too little, too late. As for my daughter, well, I have to wait, just wait.

Back to the work issue, I know the messages I can send by email can be misconstrued in tone, and they certainly deliver a message that no-one wants to hear - safety and health, of course no-one wants to hear that! But I also know that no-one gets the wrong message or is offended or gets upset with a face to face meeting with me - they cant - I dont DO offense. My strength is my frontal approach, I have a smile, I use it, I have humour - I certainly use that, its my emails that can be a problem. So, you see before you a reformed email user. But a future habitual user of taxi's, I am going to go back and forth between the sites by taxi, and work will pay, and meetings face to face will occur and emails to follow up will happen, and the message will get across. It's my job, its what I do, and they will have to listen to what I have to say and they will not be running off to the Director and whining any more.

Does that sound like a plan? And of course, I now know that being an extrovert, means that this is how I think and process information, by talking it through with someone. Or with lots of someones! The introverts like to think quietly, and come to their own conclusions, I broadcast it out there, and that's why I am so exhausting, but, I'm sorry, this is my job and they are going to have to listen! :o)

As for the albatross thing, well, I suppose that will have to wait. I will fly around up here for a while longer and see if I bump into any fish!!!!!

Wednesday, 27 February 2008

Gap, hole, yawning chasm.

We become immersed in our own problems don't we? To the exclusion of all else? So that the problem becomes all-consuming if it is not talked about? Am I the only one who has noticed this phenomenon? I cant be, surely. We are all the same. A problem shared is a problem halved, after all. This is related to me feeling like an albatross. Despite some severe self-talk, I am still there - a lone albatross, this is not good for a Pisces! I am used to feeling "fishy" and here I am now, above the clouds in solitary splendour with my heart aching and wondering what I did wrong! It's been three years (in three weeks) since my world came unglued - why is it only now that I am feeling the exquistely painful loss of someone to talk to on an everyday basis? Someone that you dont have to explain everything to, they understand you so well and can give advice and comfort, in equal degree.

I suppose it is highlighted by the fact of having the legs taken out from under me on this latest work debacle. Self-doubt is gnawing at me. I have taken all the past happenings and have put new interpretations on them, am I wrong to connect up all the dots like this? Is it erroneous thinking? Or are all the clues there and I have missed them before, there is no smoke without fire, am I, after all, a terrible communicator who has been creating all my own and everyone elses problems? Or is my new boss not just not fully in the picture and needing to be seen to be doing something constructive with his new team? I dont know, I dont know! And my head is in such a mess and my heart is hurting so badly that I can not be an effective judge of my own abilities anymore.

My husband, when he was my husband and still my "soulmate", would have been able to help. Right now, I dont know where to go for the relief that I need from my whirling head and thoughts. And when there are problems and issues that are going on and need talk, talk, talk, the fact of the gap becomes unbearable. The gap becomes a yawning chasm and I, am at the bottom of it! Yet another silent wail into the ether!

Sunday, 24 February 2008

Trust the Universe (dammit!)

I'm beginning to think I may be quite a stupid individual. It's funny how some things just take forever to sink in. Or maybe its that some things are so close to you that it takes a surprising amount of time for the importance of that thing to become apparent?

I have been feeling like crap for the past week or so, I have been sick so that's some excuse I suppose, but the main reason is, just being alone. It sucks, you know? I am wondering how long I can do this, bloody being by myself malarky, it sucks! I'm not enjoying it! Further, I'm actively hating it! So, here am I, feeling all sorry for myself (I'm good at that, it's one of my talents) and here we have the weekend phone calls from overseas and here am I putting all sorts of brave faces on, complete with brave voices, for the benefit of the various rellies and friends who all want to know that I am OK. "Are you okay?" "Good. And are you Happy?" "Gooooooooooood" and that's what they need to know, that I am OK and fine and well, and still alive and not pining away - but Hello! I'm pining away! What is particularly hard is when they ask if I have a boyfriend right now and then say "Good" when I say no! Why do they all think that what I need is to be alone? I know I get myself into trouble on a regular basis but really!

So, I tell myself to not be so stupid and that everything is fine, fine. I have a good job, a son, good and excellent friends, a house - it could all be terrible but it isnt! Life is good, its very, very good. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, you pathetic woman. Plus, overnight on Monday, I got a whole year older! Crap! And I'm still alone! So, that's my week.

Then, I talk to two particular friends today to realise that (of course) they are both in exactly the same place I am in! Exactly, and I mean Identical. And then when I think about it properly and not in my "oh woe is me" mode, several of my friends are here too. We're in this together but alone! (har de har!) We are all animals after all and what we do best is coupling. Twosomes. We like to confide and to be confided in, we like to snuggle up, we like to help our mate. And when the mate is absent or there is no mate, it hurts. It hurts. Shit, it hurts. But it hurts for all of us, I am not alone in this sink. Am I?

In one of the many books I am reading at the moment, (ah, yes, I have looked, am reading so many books at once, I cant find it!) it says, that life is all about love. My interpretation of that is very simple, it's what we are here for. Just to love and to learn how to love and how to accept love, just how - How to Love. And to spend our lives doing just that. Love our children, parents, partners, work colleagues, complete strangers, the human race, the planet! But of course, the big one is love for your partner. And there is no partner.

I have to stop thinking of myself in avian terms - I am not an albatross! Really, I'm not! We do love again, I do not need to pine away for lack of love! (It's a mess inside my head, I swear!) I just have to be patient and to trust to the Universe that everything will work out for the best for lil' ol' me! Gosh, that's so hard some days! For us all though, for us all. And in the meantime, it's Sunday night and, thank god, I am allowed back in to work tomorrow!

Birthday Treats!



I have a wonderful son, who, for my birthday, bought tickets for the two of us to go to A Midsummer Nights Dream at His Majestys Theatre last night. Brilliant night! Wonderful, marvellous, stupendous!!! It was in six Indian languages and English, just enough English to be able to follow the story. Dinner and wine first, theatre and wine second and wine (hic) third! Lovely!

Saturday, 16 February 2008

The secret to success in golf


I had the most amazingly BAD day yesterday. Probably serves me right after all that ranting and gloating over the inadequacies of men in general on St V's Day. Any men reading that post probably just thought, "Another stark-mad woman, she just needs a good....." Yes, well, we wont go there!

So, my bad day yesterday has had the effect of drastically changing my year, and might have seriously damaged someone elses job prospects and has certainly pissed-off a work colleague - so, bad all round really. My mistake, too much self-confidence, plus bad judgement, plus jumping in and sorting out a problem that should have been left for work colleague to take care of. My fault. No excuses. Am now not able to do what I had planned and DO have to do extra and unplanned stuff, plus more. Shitty, shitty, shitty. Also, I feel dreadful and full of remorse, but that, I deserve. So. Moving on.

Golf. I played golf this morning with a girlfriend, she must have wondered what she had let herself in for! I was a complete ranting lunatic at the start of the game. But as she has her problems too, we were able to rant to each other and a fine old time was had. By the end of the game, we were both in a much better head space and had such a good game to boot. Scores were bloody atrocious but what can you expect really with all this angst zapping around the course? Bouncing off trees and landing in the water features - oh, those were BALLS! Not "angsts". Anyway, I am sure Tiger would be appalled by this, my solution to the perfect game, the most successful game - it is TO NOT KEEP SCORE! It is amazing how this simple act makes all the difference between frustration and breast-beating, not to mention bent clubs, and a feeling of appreciation for the beauty of the course and the day. A feeling of bonhomie and general well-being as opposed to the more normal feeling of inadequacy and total uselessness. What DID I have all those lessons for? Complete waste of time and money. I should start my own golf lessons "And the one and only rule I am going to teach you is to not keep score - it worked for me. I am now a happy and well-adjusted golf player, can't play for shit, but happy none the less!" Har de har. That photo is of Karrie Webb by the way, not yours truly, Slasher Carrie!

Thursday, 14 February 2008

A complete RANT!



Men are very strange creatures. Have I only just discovered this?, I hear you ask; very reasonably, in my opinion. Valentines Day. What a conundrum. What a total mystery. Here is a god-given (Literally, I mean wasn't the guy a saint? No doubt stoned to death for the heinous crime of sending roses to suspected witchs or something? Oh, sorry, Wiki says that St Valentine is the name of SEVERAL martyred saints of Ancient Rome, "... whose names are justly reverenced among men, but whose acts are known only to God." Good grief! Well, I'm possibly right then, rose giving to virgins or some such - anyway, I digress, as usual.) So, here we have this god-given opportunity for the men of the civilised world to legitimately woo and impress and otherwise work towards getting their end away!! A bunch of flowers, a specially booked meal. If they are against the "commercialisation" of martyred saints days - a specially run bath for their loved one, a scented massage maybe? A specially cooked - by them - meal and the odd candle bunged in the middle of the table. At the very least, communication of some sort to let the long-suffering woman in their life know that they have thought of some-one other than themselves for one damn day of the damn year! Gosh, I'm feeling quite strongly about this. I surprise myself. Who would have thought it? And NO, its no bloody good, its too bloody LATE to say "Oh, sorry darling, I forgot, I didn't realise. Oh, you bought ME a card, well, now you've made me feel guilty!"

The number of married men who have said (I've been carrying out a survey today) "Oh no, we dont do all that stuff, its just commercialisation by the flower sellers." Or, "I told my wife years ago that I didn't do that stuff and she's OK with that" Hello! She is NOT OK with that!!!! There is not one woman on this earth who would not be flattered and (surprised probably - unto death in some cases!) and pleased and impressed and feel a surge of love for their boof-head of a spouse who for once in his life did something spontaneous and from the heart and didn't ask first!!!! Or apologise later. My word, what a lot of chumps!

I was out shopping tonight - Thursday - late night shopping - yes, I know this is the 21st century and globalisation is rampant but this is Australia, moreover, it is Western Australia. We have only recently started to shop on Saturday afternoons, god forbid we should even think of shopping on any other night other than Thursday! But I digress, again! Where was I? Oh yes, shopping. I was enjoying myself immensely and purchased myself (my inner child was clamouring and on the verge of a tantrum, so I had to give in!), the most beautiful, soft leather jacket, but, that was not the (whole) reason for my enjoyment tonight. Apart from the extremely cute European salesman who managed to get $50 out of me for hand cream - yes, yes, I know, but boy, was he CUTE!!! And he buffed my nails and he massaged my hands - oh, he was SO beautiful!!!) (Hahahaha - I did say I enjoyed myself immenslely tonight!) Anyway, oh lord, where was I? Men! And trolleys! Trolleys and men pushing them, the most amazing number of laden trolleys being pushed around the shopping centre by the most glum-looking men I have seen in a long while. And I couldn't help but think, and I had to bite my tongue to not let it out, IT SERVES YOU FUCKING RIGHT! You morons! Buy a bunch of flowers and book a meal for once in your miserable life and, maybe, your life wont BE quite so miserable! Have they thought it through do you think? "Duh, either I go out for a meal with my wife tonight or I get to go grocery shopping with her, duh, which should I choose?"

Hmmm, that was quite vitriolic wasn't it? Jolly good show! The perfect end to a perfect day!

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Cats and cow-creamers


""Oh, tut, tut, tut" I said. "Oh dear, dear, dear! Oh no,no,no,no,no! I dont think much of this," I said, curling and clicking freely. "All wrong."

"All wrong?"

"All wrong. Modern Dutch"

"Modern Dutch?" He may have frothed at the mouth, or he may not. I couldn't be sure. But the agony of spirit was obviously intense. "What do you mean, Modern Dutch? It's eighteenth-century English. Lood at the hall-mark?"

"I cant see any hall-mark."

"Are you blind? Here, take it outside in the street. It's lighter there."

"Right ho," I said, and started for the door, sauntering at first in a languid sort of way, like a connoisseur a bit bored at having his time wasted.

I say "at first," because I had only taken a couple of steps when I tripped over the cat, and you can't combine tripping over cats with languid sauntering. Shifting abruptly into high, I shot out of the door like someone wanted by the police making for the car after a smash-and-grab raid. The cow-creamer flew from my hands, and it was a lucky thing that I happened to barge into a fellow citizen outside, or I should have taken a toss in the gutter." (The Code of the Woosters, PG Wodehouse)

Tuesday, 12 February 2008

Books

I have a certain number of favourite book shops that I go into on a regular basis, just to check out the stock, dont you know? Dymocks, Elizabeths and The Inspiration Factory in Subiaco, Oxford St Books in Leederville, Millpoint Caffe Book Shop in South Perth, Planet Bookshop in Beaufort St, Mt Lawley, Penny Bannister Antiquarian bookstall in Femantle Market not to mention the amazing Borders in the City. Marvellous stuff. As this is my year of self discovery and exploration, I feel SO justified in fully induging my passion for books, book shops and reading!

I am reading four books concurrently and am very happy plunging in and out of quantum theory from the perspective of New Age thinking, (dont want anyone to run away with the idea that I am actually reading or understanding "quantum physics" per se) astrology, philosophy, history and even dipping my toe back into the water of Spiritualism. The upshot of this intellectual and spiritual stimulation is that half the time my thoughts are somewhere else but I am training myself to only daydream and mind-walk whilst walking and to keep my thoughts firmly focussed on work, at work! (It's working, it's working!) My mind freewheels whilst driving, meanders around the park whilst walking and roams around, in and out of sobriety in the evenings when my time is my own and my mind can go where it likes! But the rest of the time I am firmly anchored in the "now" and the "real". Although, I must say, thanks to the ideas and possibilities thrown up by the authors I am coming across right now, my thoughts are coloured with amazing new shades and hues!

Today I reread a book that I originally read in 1984 and it had the same ideas and concepts in as the books written in 2006 by Gregg Braden. So much so that I was wondering if I should email him and let him know about his predecessor in thought! Probably a bit excessive though? Also the books by Paulo Coelho, particularly The Alchemist mirrors Bradens ideas to an amazing degree. Are these guys all in cahoots? (Marvellous word!) Discovery of new ideas (and not so new - did I forget them or did I just need to have them repackaged?) is a fantastic thing. And leads on to so many other areas of research. I now have to check out "Alchemy". Tomorrows delight!

I feel very connected to everything and very happy. I am conscious all the time of my thoughts and my feelings. I am conscious of the effects of my feelings on everyone around me. Before (accentuated because of my sun sign) I would soak up the feelings and impressions left behind by the people around me and shadow their state of mind, now I am feeling that it is me that can change the atmosphere of the room and combate the negativity of the people around me. I am in a "Happy Bubble" right now. Which sounds so sick, I know! Suck it up Dear Reader!

Now, it is late and all good dwellers "DownUnder" should be stacking Zeds. I am taking with me the best and most true Philosopher of All Time, the Great, the One and Only, PG Wodehouse. Doctor Sir Pelham Grenville Wodehouse. What Ho!

"I've never heard of him. Have you ever heard of him Jeeves?"
"I am familiar with the name Bassington-Bassington, sir. There are three branches of the Bassington-Bassington family - the Shropshire Bassington-Bassingtons, the Hampshire Bassington-Bassingtons, and the Kent Bassington-Bassingtons."
"England seems pretty well stocked up with Bassington-Bassingtons."
"Tolerably so , sir"
"No chance of a sudden shortage, I mean, what?"

Saturday, 9 February 2008

Night Frights

A long time ago - in the dawn of the world, oh, about 27 years ago - when the man that I loved left my sight, I feared most vividly his loss, death or imminent demise by some painful method! This, as you can imagine got a tad wearisome after a while and so I decided to stop. And so I did. I realised that I was only fearful from a selfish point of view. I didnt want to lose him. I was afraid of losing him, for myself, it was me that was fearfull of suffering the loss. I realised that it was my problem and a serious character flaw that would destroy me and very possibly the whole relationship if I left it to go on of its own accord. I learnt that lesson so well that I dont even worry over the "traditional" worrying things - such as children going to school or driving around in their first car. Pretty cool. Pleased with that then. Well done, pat on back.

And so when at midnight I was still awake and just dropping off I had a nearly (what I imagine to be) a psychic premonition, sparks and electricity behind my eyelids, zinging throughout my head, my first thought was Uh-oh. What is amiss? A certain person, a near-lover, making a long journey, that much I know. Certain person had been quite prolific in their contact over the week, marvellous, adored all contacts. Certain person now strangely quiet. Certain person should be home - maybe not, I choose to not believe omen-type nature of zinging, cant do anything about it anyway as certain person on the other side of the wretched globe, applied learnt skills and went to sleep. Next morning, awake at sparrow-fart of course and certain person still very strangely quiet all damn day. Drat. Heart now in stomach for the day. Heart thinks its new home is in the stomach region. No amount of persuasion seems to convince heart of its proper place. Drat. Damn. Dont want to phone certain person and thereby let him know of my vulnerability, fear, idiocy or premonition-like feelings! Certain person probably just sleeping in after very long journey. Certain person also not answering texts. Oh dear. However, after a whole day is spent with no relief from stupid, stomach-dwelling heart, had to phone, one last time, the mobile of certain person.

I leave you Dear Reader to imagine the voice of certain person when answering the phone. Bewilderment comes to mind. Confusion also. But my idiocy is complete in that I dont actually care - heart has popped back into its rightful position and all is well with the world again. Certain person is alive and well still. Not dead on some wintry road or incapacitated in a national health bed! Marvellous. Certain person still around to create havoc or happiness in all around him as the desire takes him. Excellent. Lesson learned. Do not believe in electrical zinging to be pyschic phenomena! Electrical zinging is just synapses in own stupid head dying off probably! And the thing that I am the most happy about? It wasnt MY loss that was consuming me, it was his. I was not afraid for my own loss of him - I was afraid for him being somewhere in pain etc and unhappy etc. My greatest happiness right now is that he is alive and well, and confused by the sound of him! Bless! My conscience is clear and a little bit wiser.

Thursday, 7 February 2008

Love Affairs of the Heart

Today was a big day. After three weeks of temperatures in the high 30's, sundrenched and parched Perth had lashings and lashings of rain. I walked in the rain in the middle of the day and everything was so beautiful. Washed clean and vibrant bright, bright green. Glorious. The pine smells were strong and vigorously competing with the gum smells. I took pine cones back for everyone in the office. They thought I was mad, of course. But I like to bring as much of the outside inside as possible. Especially when it smells so good. And so sticky! Have you ever walked for half an hour holding a pine cone in your hot mitt? Let alone a bevy of them? We had to be surgically removed from each other by the time I got back.

Today was also important for another reason. I have finally taken on board the realisation that everything has its own time. And everything is as Perfect as it is as possible to be, in the moment of the now. This, right now, is all there is and is all we get and is all we have a right to. The Moment. Right now. If we can make every present moment all we want it to be, we have succeeded in our own Personal Legend. And Happiness is ours.

Every relationship we have makes life Richer. Every friendship, every love. Every child. Every love affair, every heart break. I am expecting a heart break from the next love affair! But it is a clean, sharp love, it is a true, painful and honest love. I will plunge into it and no doubt I will be hurt but that is no reason to falter. There can not be many times in one Lifetime that a connection with so much clarity is made. So immediate and so complete. When it happens, can you ignore it because the timing is not right or the distance too great? Or the circumstances so awful, that you know, in your heart "this is going to hurt" at some point, this is going to nearly kill me? I am placing my trust in the Universe that it wont actually prove lethal! But I find I dont care. When eye to eye contact equals heart to heart contact or maybe even soul to soul...........well, it has to be explored doesn't it? Nothing on this earth is going to keep me away or stop me from finding out. And I am going to bloody enjoy every minute of it. How enigmatic of me to write this teasing account of soul connections when there is only one person on this whole planet who knows exactly what it is I am confiding. And if I am wrong......not even one!

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Grievings

My daughter has left me. My daughter got married last year and didnt invite me. My daughter will be 21 tomorrow. It's going to be a bad day, I can feel it already.


She is my first-born and I can remember her first hours as if they happened yesterday. I can remember the wonder of this perfect miniature human being given into my care. I remember lying in the hospital bed with her in my arms and staying awake all night with the wonder of it. The perfectness of this being. The sheer beauty of her, in every minute detail. The emptiness of my body and the fullness of my heart. I felt quite lonely, being physically empty of her, not feeling her inside me any longer but having her in my arms instead. I understood the awfulness of miscarriage at that point. I would have killed for that child. Any threat to her and I would have killed. Undeniably. Even her father seemed superfluous now, his job done? He was in the way and somehow too huge and course and a caricature, my eyes were attuned to the tiny and helpless and delicate and he was too real and I didn't want to see him. That didnt last very long. Mother Nature is a wonderful and terrible thing. A force to be reckoned with.


Now it is me that is superfluous, an unwelcome appendage to her life. Even though my heart is bursting in my chest with the unjustice of the situation and the unhappiness of this, there is nothing I can do. Nothing I can fix. The child has formed her own ideas of her mistreatment at my hands without telling me of the reasons or the rhymes of her heart. I have no idea of what ails her, of what it is that is so huge and immediate for her. Without her input, I am helpless. I wait. I wait for her to be ready to talk, to confide, to accuse. I welcome it all, an end to the Cold War, to the overwhelming silence of her accusation, I want to hear it all, to be saturated with her presence once again. She is a part of me, flesh of my flesh - how "religious" and old-fashioned that sounds.


She was a wonder to me all the time of her growing up, so quick, so smart, so innocent and complete. So moral and independant. A beautiful person. My child. I was so proud of her. And although desperately hurt by her choices, I am so very proud of her still. The independance, the gall, the willfulness she displays is awesome, truly awesome. I have to stay until she is ready to come back. I just hope she doesn't leave it too long. This is my wail into the ether, to the Universe, "Come back soon, child of my heart".


Saturday, 2 February 2008

Willful Madness :o)

I have been reading a book called The Secret (pointed out to me by a very good friend) and that has led me on to another book called The Divine Matrix by Gregg Braden (the way these things happen, and no, it is nothing to do with The Matrix movie even though that is my fav movie of all time). I am going to have to say that this book is one of those pivotal books in life, full of ideas that make the brain cells fairly swish around in your skull pan with amazing energy and mobility.

I have always had an enquiring and ornery mind, up to its own tricks and doing its best to bludgeon some sort of sixth sense into me, but this book makes me feel as if everything I have ever read or thought has been leading up to this point. If I had not gone through and clean out the other side of Catholicism and Spiritualism, then golloped up large doses of feminism, earth religions, history in general, philosophy, astrology, tarot and THINKING in general, I would not actually be in the right space to understand or appreciate this book. Now you can see why I label myself as w e i r d? I am a Child of the Universe and I LOVE it.

I always knew I was not bound by mans power, that is not a new belief, but now I have a visual for this feeling. The feeling has become very deep, concrete and fixed somehow. I feel (and goodness knows I live in a soup of feelings, constantly!) that I am very, very close to all of creation - gosh that sounds so mad, but none-the-less true. I feel as if I could reach out and touch certain people I have very strong feelings for, even though they are in different countries to me. I feel so connected to everyone around me, I want to somehow boost them all, to make them LOOK around at the beauty that they live in, at the sheer miracle of life, at the expansiveness and possibility of ALL.

I hate to see the way some people walk around, looking down at the ground the whole time, have you seen them? What are they doing in their minds? Dont they see the glory of everything that is around them? In the smallest, most perfect flower, to the brightness and majestic presence of the hugest trees? To the clear and bright azure that is the sky? Their eyes are on the ground and the dirt and dust and their own feet? Gosh. What a waste. Of yet another glorious day.

Maybe the ultimate weirdness, although it seems perfectly logical to me, but I am still working on this with my mind looping and buzzing in a most alarming manner (do brains ever explode with the strain of thinking?), is that I do not believe in God. I dont. I believe in god in each and every one of us and in everything around us, every cell of the matrix! WE are god. and everything that we can see and everything that we cannot, is god. I am an Athiest who believes that there is no death, for anything or anyone. We live, we exist, we think, we ARE. Forever.

See? Loopy! ha ha!

You too are in Paradise!

I have a brother - it's true! I was not, as many have suspected, including myself on my weirdest days, dropped here from space, or even hatched out of an egg - now THAT was a surreal dream - I woke up feeling most peculiar from that one! My brother however, is completely human and totally normal, so he is the living proof that I too am human! I think. Anyway, I digress, my brother L O V E S the rain and wind and general nastiness of all that Mother Nature throws at her most undeserving Isle of England. And has confided in me such nuttinesses as he couldn't survive without the rain lashing down and soaking through his gortex hiking underwear, or the wind tearing through his OS maps so he has to buy new ones for each trip. It is all "food for his soul". And now I hear that there are other staunch and loyal residents of the Wet and Windy Isles that also are in love with all that Gaia, in her wisdom, chucks with gay abandon, at the White Cliffs and higher. It is the most marvellous thing to know that these good people are in the right place and happy with themselves and everything around them. It makes me feel even better, baking my buns off in Oz, that I am not the only one who truly believes they are Residents of Paradise.

And do you know? I am fairly sure there was some shell in my bed this morning?