Sunday, 23 September 2007

Happiness

And so a 25 year marriage ended and two and a half years later, I am still recovering. What a surprise it was to realise that today. I find I am unrecognisable to myself, again. First stage was extreme anger, no actually, fear, fear was first and then anger. The anger carried me through and motivated me and helped me forget and come to terms with my new life without a partner or family. Anger took me to a dating website and into the water to learn to dive. Anger lost me the weight and put my energy levels into the stratosphere. And always the fear was there, unnameable, unreasoning fear, there was no reconciling it and making it go away, it was just there, my constant companion. I woke up with 10,000 butterflies every single day and then, as life got busier and my previous life receded even more, the fear faded. Obvioulsy I was OK, I could support myself, more than that, I was enjoying life more than I ever had in my entire life. so, eventually, my stomach got the idea and the fear receded.

Where am I now? I am newly single again and free of guilt, which is nice! And today was such a beautiful day. So incomparably gorgeous. I walked and I sat outside with my books and enjoyed the sun and the blue. I so love the blue. And I realised that as I did not recognise myself and my internal map, yet again, I must still be in recovery. Each and every stage is plottable and obvious to me. Am I out yet? Am I done, cooked? Is this me, yet? I am very happy. Very happy. Obviously there are things and situations that are sad, upsetting, unsettling, hard, but overall, despite all of these normal life things, I am happy and even if I try to imagine a different life, one with lots of money for instance (lotto win, always a good daydreaming) I always come back to what I have and how I would not like to jeopardise anything I have now.

And so life goes on.

No comments: