Sunday, 23 September 2007

Happiness

And so a 25 year marriage ended and two and a half years later, I am still recovering. What a surprise it was to realise that today. I find I am unrecognisable to myself, again. First stage was extreme anger, no actually, fear, fear was first and then anger. The anger carried me through and motivated me and helped me forget and come to terms with my new life without a partner or family. Anger took me to a dating website and into the water to learn to dive. Anger lost me the weight and put my energy levels into the stratosphere. And always the fear was there, unnameable, unreasoning fear, there was no reconciling it and making it go away, it was just there, my constant companion. I woke up with 10,000 butterflies every single day and then, as life got busier and my previous life receded even more, the fear faded. Obvioulsy I was OK, I could support myself, more than that, I was enjoying life more than I ever had in my entire life. so, eventually, my stomach got the idea and the fear receded.

Where am I now? I am newly single again and free of guilt, which is nice! And today was such a beautiful day. So incomparably gorgeous. I walked and I sat outside with my books and enjoyed the sun and the blue. I so love the blue. And I realised that as I did not recognise myself and my internal map, yet again, I must still be in recovery. Each and every stage is plottable and obvious to me. Am I out yet? Am I done, cooked? Is this me, yet? I am very happy. Very happy. Obviously there are things and situations that are sad, upsetting, unsettling, hard, but overall, despite all of these normal life things, I am happy and even if I try to imagine a different life, one with lots of money for instance (lotto win, always a good daydreaming) I always come back to what I have and how I would not like to jeopardise anything I have now.

And so life goes on.

Thursday, 13 September 2007

Hot Toddy strikes the brain......

Oh my God, a beam of sun! Quick, outside to catch it and bask in it before it disappears! Oh! Too late, rain and squalls have hit the Metropolis once again.

There's something to be said for spending the day in your pyjamas, true, you cant answer the door but then who knocks? Surely any wandering Jehovas Witnesses (Are they still called that? Surely the PR people have got hold of them by now to brush up their image?) deserve any frights they get? The roses, by the way, are there to cheer me up and to remind me how bloody cold it was in England too! July in Gods Own Country was bucketing down with rain nearly 24/7 this year, the Land that God Forgot, I think. Although I dont believe in God, I have decided to become an Atheist and see how that feels..... in fact I would welcome a couple of Jehovas Witnesses right now, to try out my new mental image..... pyjamas or not. In between coughs and sneezes I could fill them in on where they are going wrong, it might be quite fun. It would cheer me up no end! Any takers? :o)

Wednesday, 12 September 2007

Men in Tutu’s, Burswood Theatre

I have just seen Men in Tutu's and am afraid was rather disappointed. The potential for a good laugh was there but they just didn't make enough of the opportunities they have. What a brilliant idea. Serioulsy lacking in choreography, "scripting" and comedy moments though. The first act was Swan Lake and that was the best, although even that had a very weak beginning. The guys are great, absolutely fabulous, costumes and makeup and those tight butts and thighs, my god! Wonderful to watch, but ultimately boring as you can only watch so many running around the stage gags before the whole shebang becomes tedious. The ticket price was not cheap either and the quality for money, I felt, was not good.

Sickness on a Wednesday......

Is a blog supposed to be started with tales of sickness and woe? Aaatishoooo! With fever raging and throat on fire, at least there is the soothing Hot Toddy to cling to. And the rain is thundering down! But the fire is on and the music is cool and the bed is starting to look temptingly horizontal, especially for one who has been distressingly awake and vertical since 4 am - the hour of the sparrow, I believe?