Wednesday, 1 May 2013

High protein porridge

1/3 cup oats
2/3 cup water
Approx 1/3 cup milk
1 egg
1 small banana
Honey

Combine oats and water and cook the porridge until its thick, add some milk and cook a bit more. Thin the porridge down with the milk until it is the right consistency and now no longer boiling, add the egg and stir well. Cook the porridge a bit more to warm it back up and cook the egg slightly. As long as the porridge wasn't boiling when you crack the egg into it, the egg will not cook by itself and will combine well.

Add a sliced banana and some honey to the porridge and enjoy.

I wonder if this is a new invention?

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Menopause! Giving Thanks!

I have been studying, and overworking, and overeating and overdrinking! I am getting older and I am feeling that. I am menopausal. I am also sad and waiting, constantly waiting. None of these are good and apart from the age and menopause part, I am in control of that sorry bunch of statements above.

I met a new person yesterday who, every time she opened her mouth, complained. Her son, her sons friends, her sons friends children, the place we were in, the food, well - you get the picture. Perfectly nice lady, she had no idea of what she was doing and of where she was. None.

I have no patience with complaining. If something is wrong, either fix it or accept it, I can't see any other path. I don't think I complain, the chap would maybe know whether I am deluding myself on that front.

So, in that vein how to fix that sorry bunch of statements above:

I have finished the "big" study, lasted a year and I passed! Kudos for that, a Graduate Diploma in Occupational Safety and Health, resulting in me being the Acting Manager of OSH for the Department I work in. Further studies are at the moment work based and nowhere near as time consuming or mentally demanding as the "big" study. Time to move on, the habits I picked up while studying must be left behind and adapted to healthier, more active pursuits and outlook. Recently there has been WAY too much TV, I had spent 2005-12 barely watching any and that was good, now look! Since I moved in with the chap, the TV is on and I watch it, I don't mean to but still I do and then he leaves for work and I continue to watch it, a bad habit perpetuated. Fixing that as we speak! :)))

(A side note here on this job of mine, which has definitely turned into a career, I love it and am totally surprised at how far I've come. I seem to have fallen into every job and opportunities have presented themselves without me looking. I have worked hard, but I've had nothing else to do, and focusing on the job at hand is my modus operandi, not something I do on purpose exactly, it's no effort, it's just how I work, so to now be the manager of OSH for this large Dept, is stunningly, amazingly unbelievable actually. In 2003, 10 years ago, I started at WAIMR, washing dishes basically, in a scientific setting, with autoclaves and alcohol but still, washing dishes, and now look. Awesome :) I give thanks for that almost daily.)

Overworking, this one is a bit more difficult, I have recently discovered that I may be a workaholic! Looking back across my life, every pursuit has been indulged in to an excessive degree. Never really cared what time it was, going to keep going until I finish. This has recently developed to an unhealthy degree. For sedentary activities anyway. So I must now prioritise physical activities. Get my energy back, 'cos its gone! I remember how much energy I had in 2005,6,7,8,9..... Increasing age is not the whole story. While studying, I have sat down and stayed sitting down while eating rubbish. Expensive rubbish, but rubbish anyway and too much of it to boot.

So, to fix both of the above, I must and will walk, cycle (Gym and swim? Oh, really not sure about these... But the other two are achievable in the short term). And maybe this is the trick, start small, baby steps, etc. Get the energy up first and as time goes on, take on more. At the moment all I want to do is sleep! Ach! Appalling!

Overeating, well, as my nearest and dearest know, I am nothing if not willing to throw myself into new "causes" of my own discovery! I am also totally committed to eating healthily and have been since 1984 in the UK, I just go off the rails splendidly! So, now as I feel so unwell, fat, unfit and OLD, with so many pains around my body, it is time for a New Cause. Vegetables, fruits, organic, anti-oxidant-heavy, water, caffeine-free drinks, whole foods, raw foods, vegetarian days, etc, etc. I am putting together everything I have learned over the past 52 (OMG, still don't know how that happened!) years and making myself my own healthy eating plan. And I've only been doing it for 4 days and am feeling SO much better and and a kg lighter already. Which is insane, but hey, well done me, now KEEP IT UP! ffs :)))

OK, overdrinking, well, combined with the self-invented and self-imposed healthy eating plan, this one is a no-brainier and, so far, surprisingly easy. So, goal is to NEVER GET DRUNK AGAIN! I wonder if that's achievable!? Probably not! But for the moment and for the next month, until the chap comes home, I am going alcohol-free, SoberMay :) A spring clean of my system and recovery for my liver and whatever else gets hit with the poison alcohol! There's nothing like a convert for fanaticism, keep it together there Carrie! :)))

Last one - sad and waiting - I have accepted that it is in my nature to want the big family around me and I have missed that thing I've never really had, but lots of people have never had this and I have the chap who loves me dearly, my son who is a peach and lots of friends who are willing to come as close as I will let them. And of course here is the main reason I feel alone - I am afraid of commitment. Totally. God alone knows how I fix that, baby steps, acceptance and calm, calm, calm. Ashanti. Move on now, the chap loves me, relax and just Be. Carry on with all my philosophy reading, meditation, kooky ideas in general, life is fine, just fine and doesn't need fixing.

Breathe Carriepie, you're doing just fine. Carry on regardless Carrie, as my Gramps would say. :)

So. Now I'm off out, lunch in Guildford, with friends. Beautiful day. Wonderful life. Thank you, a heart felt Thank You.

Sunday, 19 February 2012

Light bulb moment

It’s my birthday. 51. Unbelievable really. I don’t feel 51, but then does anyone?

You are in Nigeria. Last year I was in New Zealand and I was missing you like mad and trying so hard to not regret going away out of your reach. And not succeeding. This year I am still missing you like mad! It has been 6 years of famine and feast hasn’t it? Of self-imposed drought. Of fooling myself interposed with short periods of lucidity.

I have been blind, insane, deliriously happy, miserable, in full denial but mainly, completely confused.

I have hurt you, taken you for granted, trampled all over you, loved you until I was in pain and frightened myself half to death with the intensity of my feelings for you. And there lies the nub of all my erratic behaviour and running away. Because I have loved like this before and look what happened there. But what I feel for you and what we have is bigger and stronger and therefore much scarier!

So, today there has been a light bulb moment. This one came on in the metaphoric dawn on a dimmer switch and warmed itself up until I noticed it and paid attention and then it was an “oh, of course” moment. The realisation just dropped in like a perfectly shaped and well burnished penny into a slot ready and waiting.

I love you DMG and have loved you completely and wholeheartedly since those first emails and texts in 2005. Crazily, utterly and unbearably. Unbearably darling. I couldn’t bear it. It has taken 6 years and several books, philosophy lessons and counselling before I have finally realised this fact.

I am totally frightened by the way I love you. I know that if anything happens to you it will destroy me this time. You are so much a part of me and so totally under my skin that if you are suddenly not there, I will go mad with grief.

I think of you and you are there. We text, email, phone, skype, heytell. I feel as if you are always there. I know if I need you, you will come. I know that. And if you weren’t there, well I’m crying if I think of it. So the only way to protect myself from this sad fact was to then look at what I perceived to be your “faults” and use them to escape. Escape from myself and my own feelings. To justify what I was doing to you, the hurt I was causing you, that if any other woman was to do to you the number of times I’ve done to you, I would want to KILL!!!

OK, so here’s the thing darling, I have realised these things in this order:
1. I see you
2. You are my one, true soulmate
3. It hurts
4. I accept all of the above totally and I own them.

I am not leaving you ever again until I die. And then if I stay together and know myself on the other side (and who knows if that’s possible?) I will stay with you until you die. I am not leaving you again.

This promise and commitment is my birthday present to you.

I’m sorry it’s taken 6 years and so much pain for us both, but better late than never I suppose! Here I am darling, tardy as ever! You got here 6 years before me, well before the plane landed darling! Here I am in the arrivals lounge, waiting for you. Another step on the journey taken.

Wednesday, 1 February 2012

Travel Diary

And so. A travel diary my Love.

You have given me all of the travel diaries I have owned. And it is you who does the travelling and I who wait.

Except for this time. This time I am not waiting. I am Being.

I needed space my Love to find out: Who am I? Which sounds so cliched but I had come from a past so full of baggage, so full I had been swallowed. Without a trace I had disappeared from myself.

I have started the last two of my journals wanting a year of being alone to find out who I was and how to be happy alone. So I wouldn't go into a relationship out of or in desperation.

And now I have no idea of the timeline, how long has it been? I know the first year I returned to you. And the second. But somewhere along the line I have learnt. I have spent time alone, not in a relationship of any kind except with myself. And I have left it all alone. I have read books, I have studied philosophy, I have walked and walked and soaked myself in the feeling of being One with the Universe.

I feel so strongly my connection and more to everything that is. I have felt part of everything in a complete and calm way. I have accepted my reality as a part of the whole. I have come to realise that everything Is, is Being, is God, is Me, is You.

There is nothing that shouldn't happen. There is no chaos. Everything happens for a reason and I am part of that. And so are you. Every moment of every day is as it should be. And I am at peace.

In every situation, whether "good" or "bad" I can accept it as it is. Although I have not been majorly tested and I realise it is a continuing journey. I also know that if anything happened to you or to Ryan, I would be sorely, sorely tested. But I can see, I can SEE.

And I can also see you, my Love, my Knight, my God.

I have felt very deeply my own space intermingled with everything that is and I have trusted that and I have asked for what is mine, for what I need, for what is the same as me. I have felt my own presence impressing on the everything that is and I have felt the indentation of my need and known that as a part of the everything, I am deserving.

I have called out into the Universe and I have trusted. And you have come my Love, you have come.

And I have seen you, I think for the first time. I have seen who you are, your essence, your beauty. Your rightness.

And you are mine, you are meant for me. And I am yours and I didn't realise it and yet, I have always known. How many times have we simultaneoulsy texted each other?

Through all the cycles there has always been you at the base of me, which is exactly what I asked for six years ago.

How strange was out first contact? Who called who into Being? I kissed, you answered. And we both nearly missed - and yet we didn't.

We have come on this journey together ever since that meeting. Whether we have been together or apart, in body or in mind, we have been together in heart and in spirit. We are entwined, we are soulmates, we are what the Grand Plan, the Universe has found for each of us in our need. That is perfect for us both.

I will not willingly leave you again my Love. I am yours to have and to hold. You are mine in sickness and health. We belong together and will stay together for all that is or will be.

So no, I am not waiting this time. I am here and so are you. You are there and so am I.

Thursday, 9 December 2010

Update

Just read the September post and need to update.

My new job is still brilliant, I don't think I have ever felt as if I've fitted in so well or so easily in any previous job. A lot of this has to do with my new manager who is excellent and whose attitude towards me, all OSH issues and everyone else in the department is second to none. She is calm and knowledgeable and absolutely lovely as a person. She has made it very easy for me to learn the systems and the culture and to be who I am and do the work that is required in my own way. She's brilliant.

Also, I went into hospital for a "procedure" that has completely given me my life back. I am no longer in any pain from that part of me at all. I can again sleep and walk, and concentrate at work etc, etc! It's fantastic and I am so grateful. To life. To the doc who did the op.

Also, I still have my house, which is very good considering what I did to it, i.e. nearly set it alight. Went to work first thing in the morning with a gas ring on full underneath a cast iron pan (so it would dry and not go rusty after washing, don't you know) and left it there for 11 hours, yes, eleven hours. On full. I realised what I had done 10 hours and 50 minutes after I did it, on the way home. When I turned the corner into my road (at 110kmh) I really, really thought I would see a black and charred mess and smoke curling up to the sky. I didn't and I was SO grateful lying in bed that night, in amongst my cool white sheets, on my lovely comfortable mattress, in the quiet and the peace of my own little house.

The glass hob had shattered from the heat and that was it. The bottles of oil next to the hob were intact. The roll of kitchen towel next to the hob was intact. The wooden work surfaces and cupboards all around the gas hob were all intact. Lucky, lucky, lucky that day. OMG.

This is the third time I have had a fire story in this kitchen. Is that the lot? I sure hope so, not sure my nerves can stand any more! It took me a full 24 hours to come back to normal this time! Thankfully the insurers have a stupidity clause called "accidental damage", thankfully.

Another development for me is going to philosophy classes. I intend to blog the stuff I've learnt. I'll see how I go.

I saw a little boy flying today

I saw a little boy flying today, it was quite beautiful :) His father was carrying him horizontally across the road and he was flapping his arms madly and keeping his little legs straight. His dad carried him down the road and I watched for as long as the traffic lights let me and he kept those arms going with energy and purpose, I am sure he was flying :) I think I saw his dad's feet leave the ground.....

Saturday, 4 September 2010

New Job, Happiness!

I have a new job. I am very happy about this. My last job was doing my head in and I hadn't realised how badly until I left and during the week between jobs felt as light as air! That dragging, dread-loaded feeling of impending doom was evaporated. Surprise! There was no weight on top of my head bearing me down into the ground! Relief. Smashing, wonderful, marvellous! Even though, the last three weeks of the job were probably the best there ever were. I could sit back and watch the drama's and general shenanigans, knowing that I had no part in them, did not need to take part in them, or any sides. I did not need to try to pacify anyone, or reason with anyone, or even please anyone, I could just watch them all at it and smile, and breath, and leave. Beaut. I probably have not yet quite recovered from the general wearing down-ness of the last 17 months, but I'm getting there.

My main concern right now is my health and trying to disguise from everyone at work just how much pain I am in and hoping against hope that I am doing OK and they are not disappointed in my performance. Because as sure as eggs are eggs, I have had a flair-up of the marvellously reliable-under-stress, IBS and after 7 days of working, had to take myself off to the emergency department of the hospital and beg some painkillers.

However, I think the job is going to be brilliant. I am really enjoying the walk back and forth (I drive 5km, park and walk 3km), the way everyone relates to each other and to me (with respect and good will), the clean kitchen! I have a theory, I think that the morale of a workplace is directly related to how clean they keep their communal kitchen. UCH kitchen - dreadful and sticky. DMP kitchen - immaculate. The proof of the pudding workplace is probably WAIMR where the kitchen was dire and the fridge was a science experiment, but there was a lot of stressed people and a lot of unhappy people, I was OK but knew how bad it was for some of the others, and the kitchen? - bad. QED? Not a big enough sample size, really, but a theory in the making!

There is a very wide range of types of people at the new place. There are men, for a start! There is also a wide age range and (apparently) because it is a government department, there are quite a few long-serving staff members. One of my team has been with DMP for 43 years! Amazing in this day and age, I didn't think that happened any more. That demographic has its own special needs and becasue I work in occupational safety and health, their needs are partly my concern. All new stuff.

DMP is also very big on their wellness program, which might be the reason they are all so happy at work, or it might be the product of that general level of satisfaction with their working day. My job is to a large degree concerned with arranging the WoW (Working on Wellness) program, which is very new for me and is also very administrative and not much to do with "OSH". An audit has recently been carried out (there is an internal auditing department, which does a bloody brilliant job and if I decided to specialise in auditing, I could certainly look at going into) and as part of that audit it was highlighted that the department is deficient in the normal OSH skills, such as investigation, risk assessment and review of controls. These are my skills and I only need to be given a smidgen of a chance or a lookin, to be more than happy to train, investigate, risk assess, follow up and generally to have a rollicking good OHSy time! :) So, you can see the huge potential for satisfaction in this job.

Previously, there were no OSH qualified staff in the department, apart from the manager. Part of the audit outcome was to employ yours truly to fill this knowledge gap. The administration was admirably covered by my predicessor, who has just retired, I have no intention of doing only the admin. I have every intention of rattling that bit of the job off as quickly as possible and then getting on with the interesting stuff which is the hazards faced by the staff in the labs, and the staff who go on field trips into the bush maybe lasting weeks at a time. They have very interesting needs that are not covered by wellness programs! But, I am aware that the morale is very, very high and everyone is very proactive and positive about the OSH dept and their role within the organisation. I would not, for all the world, disturb that balance. It is very refreshing to be welcomed even when the person you are being introduced to know you are part of the OSH team! I am much more used to their face falling and to emails and phone calls being ignored and being argued with and managers brought in so they dont need to follow your recomendations, however mild! I am used to reports and audit findings being ignored or "lost".

So, maybe now, my life will improve and become lighter and more humorous once again. For it to become completely super, I need to be pain-free, that would be nice. I have a feeling however, that that might be a hard ask, and pain management might be all I can expect. If that could go along with enough sleep, it would do, really it would.

Monday, 14 June 2010

Carrie's Musings: Ergh, I'm sick, where's the Chicken Soup?

When I was revoltingly sick in 2008, I wrote down the recipe for Chicken Soup and thought I should repost it as it is, of course, a completely necessary agenda item when you are not well. Every time I get a cold, I make the soup. I try to keep some in the freezer for the next time I am sick and not in the mood to make the essential nectar but usually, I can't resist eating it as it is very, very delish! Each time I make it, it is slightly different depending on ingredients in the fridge at the time. The essentials are the chicken frames, carrots, celery, garlic, herbs for the stock. Then chicken on bones, carrots, celery, garlic and herbs for the soup, plus any other veggies in the fridge. This time around I used butternut pumpkin, parsnip, fresh peas and courgette. It's a good one! And really, don't use 58 peppercorns! But DO drink the brandy! :) OK, here's the link.....
Carrie's Musings: Ergh, I'm sick, where's the Chicken Soup?

Monday, Monday

I am not sure it is the thing to blog when you are not well, but as I have now seen no-one at all for three days and am about to go into the fourth and counting, I have to keep myself amused somehow. I thought I was going back to work today and have been joking about it on facespace but have woken up at 4am with my face and neck in severe pain and not a sore throat exactly but a feeling of obstruction. Even my teeth hurt. Not pleasant and as for that job interview I've got lined up for this afternoon, well, that would be good wouldn't it? Infecting potential new workmates before they are even workmates? Lovely. And I really couldn't do justice to myself right now and I look like a warthog. Possibly the elephant woman. What the bloody hell is going on with my neck and jaw exactly? Errk. Feel like death. So, thought I would blog it, the way you do :)

The World Cup is on, in case anyone hasn't realised that. Germany have just given Aus a spanking, expected outcome apparently. I'm sure I'm not the only Aussie with a sore head this morning, although for very different reasons.

And now it's raining! As there are now water restrictions here for the winter three months, I suppose even I should be rejoicing about that. And the weekend was glorious. I spent two days soaking up the sun and thinking I was curing my cold with the healthful rays, ha ha. Never mind. Will stop whinging on now and not blog again until I can think of something cheerful to talk about :)

Saturday, 12 June 2010

Scaryness

I was looking through my photo's today, trying to find an amusing picture for face book. I was looking through my 2007 holiday pictures and realised that was when I hurt my back and then thought about how much my day to day life has actually changed since then. I also realised how much older I look now than I did in 2007. I also then realised how much older I look and actually am since my husband left in 2005, bloody hell! 2005. Where has the time gone and what has happened to my face?! I am not happy! I am also rather scared about the whole getting old thing. I have always been apprehensive of "getting old" and especially of being alone (and found dead, half eaten by Alsatians, thank you Bridget) but today was the first time I actually felt a thrill of fear.

And of course I am not alone in this - I believe most of the human race has gone through this - old age and death - ooh, since the beginning of time probably, so no doubt, I will get used to it and adjust and stop being scared, no doubt. Jeez. When will that be do you think? Any time soon, cos this ain't a good feeling really.

On Monday, I have a job interview. That is scary too. Everything is more scary when you are alone and having to rely on yourself to not screw up. You have to make your own decisions and follow them through without a backup or having your significant other there for help, advice and love. There's just you, getting older, looking out at you from the mirror.

So, this is a humourless post. Lovely. Not guaranteed to cheer anyone up, including me. Damn it.

Well, my son has a new job and a brilliant girlfriend. They are lovely together and it is fantastic to see. Warms a mothers heart.

I went out with a new girlfriend during the week and her partner, and they were lovely together, it was really nice to see two people connect so well and just the way they were looking at each other was wonderful. There might be hope for me, you never know. It is of course in your own head though, isn't it? Relationships and whether you are capable of them, is in your own head. I don't know what I'm capable of anymore. I really don't.

On the bright side, I have some fantastic friends. The weather is marvellous and considering it is now winter (I must remember to turn off my reticulation before tomorrow night), there was an amazing number of people in the sea today. I was on the beach, fully dressed it's true, but it was really warm and no wind at all. Gorgeous. It really is a paradise here, I am extremely lucky. So, I need to stop being ungrateful and count my blessings, as my Oma would say.